oh my stomach

Apparently there's a stomach virus going around. Wanna know how I know this? I seem to have it. Someone at work last week said they were having stomach problems. Now it's my turn. What stinks is that I was dressed this morning, putting on my socks and shoes (first time since 1/1 that I was going to be able to wear real shoes and see how it went), when it hit again and there was no way I was going in to work until I could get my body under control. However, I must go to work tomorrow, so I rested up as much as I could today. It's too bad that I was physically not well instead of mentally not well, because when I'm too depressed, I can still usually read or cross stitch or do something crafty. Today I just couldn't concentrate on any of it. Oh well, another reminder to be kind to myself and take care of myself.

Why I won't be going to the Olympics

I've always loved to watch the figure skating, ever since I was glued to the TV watching Peggy Fleming in 1968. In my dreams I would have been there with them. However there are a few reasons why it won't happen.

I have probably been on ice skates about 5 times in my life. I'm so afraid of falling that the few times I was on skates, I was hugging the sideboards. I finally was able to do a simple two footed turn that nobody in their right mind would be doing. When I did go skating, the little girls in the center of the ice doing their cool moves that were actually figure skating moves made me feel even more like a loser when it came to my skating career.

I never quite mastered balance or having enough strength in my ankles. I didn't have the motivation and if I had, I doubt my parents would have sacrificed their lives to feed my hobby.

I still love to watch it. I have to say that one of the reasons I like the "Skating with Celebrities" show (and Dancing with the Stars, but that's already been discussed) is because those celebrities are living my dream, so for an hour a week I can live vicariously through them.

Miami Ink

It's interesting. I would never get a tattoo, I don't want them, I don't particularly like them, I don't get why real people get them. However, I really enjoy this show and even enjoy and admire the artwork. I don't get it. I guess if I see it on TV it isn't real??

Here's an interesting tidbit. My dad was in the Navy for years, and from what he admitted to was quite the party animal. However, the minute someone mentioned getting a "tattoo", he'd sober up. As a result, he never had a tattoo.

Maybe because Miami Ink goes into the stories behind the tattoos, as well as the process, it gives them more meaning and that's why I enjoy watching it. It's not just someone marking up their body, but someone's marking it up for a reason. I remember an episode where Daddy got a tattoo of his daughter beating up on a cancer tumor to celebrate her victory over cancer. It was a celebration for them and more than just a random scribble. While I wouldn't do that, I still thought it was neat for them.

I also think that one of the reasons I enjoy watching it is because I've always loved to learn how things were done. Watching a TV show being made has never spoiled the magic for me. Learning how special effects are created hasn't ruined the impression they leave on me when watching the movie.

A million little....

I will first say I have not read the book. I cannot comment to content. However, the fact that someone tried to sell this book unsuccessfully at first, tweaked it a bit, then sold it is interesting.

Either this author had a lot of nerve thinking he could fool a bunch of people, or he couldn't say no and pull the plug before damage to his credibility was done.

I wonder if the author thought nothing of "embellishing" the story, advertising it as a memoir, thinking it would roll over, he'd get published, end of story. I wonder if once Oprah got wind of the book the author ever thought about coming clean BEFORE all the attention was given to the book. He could have told Oprah or her people that he would prefer not to be part of her book club. He wouldn't have even had to say why, just that he didn't want it.

By the time someone checked his facts and outed his lies, it was too late. He was so enmeshed that even if he wanted to come clean, his integrity and credibilty were shot. One thing a lot of people learned this week is that you do not cross Oprah.

Now here's a question to think about. I actually heard this being discussed on Glenn Beck's show Friday night and think it's a great point. If the messenger is flawed or dishonest in how he presents his message, does that invalidate the message?

come dancing

I must first say that as cute as I think Ashly is, she had a rough go with her partner and I think it's best that P is gone. Now it will be dancers who really want to be there. (Dancing with the Stars)

I have to say that I must come by my love of ballroom dancing naturally. You see, my parents met in a ballroom, and my dad taught ballroom dance for a while.

When I was very young, my dad would "dance" with me by holding me in a dance position. Of course my feet didn't touch the ground (literally). When I was too big for that type of dance, he'd let me put my stocking feet on his shoes to "dance."

When I was 10 and at my very first Daddy Daughter date, I was a little miffed because while Dad was trying to teach me a basic box step, he ended up giving a lesson because the other girls wanted to dance like that.

There were times as a teen that I'd be at a church dance, and to save face, I'd make my dad come in and dance with me before I left so that I could say I actually danced. He'd always say "I can't do that stuff you kids do." I'd tell him I didn't care.

When I was in college, I took ballroom dancing. I enjoyed feeling elegant. Even though I didn't dance much outside of class because I usually didn't have a partner, there was this one guy that I really liked. He was on the ballroom dance team. My roommates asked him to a dance for me and we stayed friends. He taught me some of the stuff the team would do. Fortunately I was a quick study, plus it was more about the fun. From that point on, if he saw me, we'd usually end up sharing a dance. That was my last year of college.

I came back home to no dance partner, no chance to practice the fun things I learned in ballroom class. Once again, Daddy to the rescue. However, by now he KNEW what I could do and so when there was a dance, I'd get to dance with my father. Mom would watch. I know she was envious because her body had failed her by now, but she'd watch us having fun and smile, but I know there were times she wished it was her.

Every time I hear or think of that Luther VanDross song "Dance with my Father," the memories come flooding. It took quite a while to be able to hear that song without crying.

Maybe between their heavenly duties, my parents are now and then able to sneak in a quick dance or two.

Who cares about apathy?

I'm a Toastmaster. According to their calendar, it's mid year. I'm feeling the mid year blahs. So are a lot of others apparently. I wish I could personally snap everybody out of it, remind them what brought them to the club in the first place and get them to finish what they started. I know that I can only control how I feel about it, but I would really like for others to be less apathetic and more passionate.

I mentioned about my supervisor. I'm really conflicted about it. If the rumors are true, it's probably better that he and the company parted ways. However, I don't like my world changing on me. I really don't. It's not that I can change but nobody else can, but more that when my world is changing, or I am changing, I tend to hang on tightly to those things around me that are comfortable, such as my surroundings, the people I associate with, stuff like that.

I love Dancing with the Stars. I like to see those who try be rewarded for their efforts. Master P, if you're not voted out this week, please bow out so that someone who WANTS to be there can do so. Get those crazies who keep voting for you to stop! It's Painful to watch. (is that what the P stands for??)

I am back

well, at least I feel like I'm back. I actually feel like myself again today. I don't care if it was the meds finally kicking in, the good cry I had Sunday night or the planets aligned correctly. It's nice to feel human again!

I will say that I am bummed about one thing. My supervisor at work got fired and escorted out yesterday. There are a lot of rumors going around about why and if they're true, there's a lot more to the story than what I saw yesterday. Sad. I don't like change and I don't like moving desks. I will deal. I always do. However, I don't have to like it.

burden lifted

Oh wow, do I feel so much better than I've felt in quite a while!

I knew that I had to go through the emotions and I knew that it would be hard. However, that good cry that I had Sunday night helped me get rid of a lot of "stuff".

I can't describe the difference in how I feel today.

There is some weirdness going on at work, but it's not me and it's out of my control, so I will have to wait and find out tomorrow what's going on. (too many rumors making it seem really crazy)

the day after

The Old Testament proverb says "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning." I can't exactly say that I'm at joy yet, but I sure don't feel like I did earlier.

I woke up with an emotional hangover. That's the result of releasing a lot of emotion in a drastic way, such as a huge crying jag. If you've ever experienced a hangover from drinking, the feelings are rather similar. As a result, I've been taking it easy today and have seem to found parts of me that have been missing for a while.

Not only are the changes to my meds starting to work, but I've begun the road to healing.

I remember in my youth that I was not allowed to express "bad" or "negative" emotions. If I was upset, it had to be resolved now, even if I wasn't ready. As a result, some family arguments would last up to 4 hours. After all, we had to "fix" whatever was "wrong". (I used to say that the only way the argument would finally end was when I would say how I was wrong and say it with the proper attitude) Those were my first experiences with emotional hangovers. They're still ugly and the only good thing about them is all that crud you got rid of to get them.

Tomorrow is another day, and let's hear it for tomorrow being a better day!

The dam finally burst!

I've been saying for quite a while that I really needed to cry and couldn't. I do wonder if that's part of what's been causing my depression to act up worse than before.

The last time I cried like this, a friend was helping me pack up the house and accidentally threw out some wood toys that my dad had made and that I had planned on keeping (the piles got mixed up). That was 2 years after daddy died and that was what finally cause me to have my good cry that I needed so badly. (I was able to retrieve the toys)

So tonight I'm watching TV and doing some cross stitch when I get tired of catching up on my DVR and start flipping channels. I flipped to TLC and they were showing a documentary of a 600+ lb. woman who was trying to get help for her illness. I knew right away that I should flip the channel, that it was a bit too familiar, etc. However, something stopped me. I sat and watched this woman talk and describe how she lived and the different things she had to do to merely survive and it was so familiar. She lived in a bed, my mom lived in a recliner until she couldn't live in her house anymore and became totally bedridden. She had a home health aid, my mom had to have one too. Her face looked a lot like my mom's. Her body was quite similar and just everything about it, including her limited mobility could have been my mom's story. What got me the most was how this woman struggled to get into a car that was too high and too small for her. I remember having to pray in the middle of the parking lot that mom could get out of her wheelchair and back into the car so that we could get home after a trip out. This woman and her home health aid were praying at the wheelchair that they could get her into the car so that she could have surgery that would hopefully make it easier for her to live her life.

Jackie, the woman's name at least was trying. My mom never really did try to improve her situation. Mom just tried to pull everybody in her life closer and demand more of them. Since I had to finally change the channel and stop watching Jackie's story, I don't know how it turned out. I know how my mom's story turned out.

Scientists have analyzed the content of sad tears and happy tears. Happy tears are mostly water. Sad tears have chemicals in them. Besides the poisons that my body was finally able to rid itself of with this cry tonight, I hope I've released whatever was keeping me from healing and moving on past the death of my mother and the other family members who preceded her.

Thank you TLC for showing this program, even though I didn't watch very much of it.

This is dedicated to...

I've got some friends who are authors. I went to Marianne's book signing back in November. I bought a book and asked her to sign it for me. I told her to make it out to "eBay winner." We all had a good laugh.

I bought a book from another friend today and he offered to sign it. Not knowing my little joke, I said "Sure, just make it out to 'eBay winner.'" I caught him off guard, but fortunately he knew I was kidding before I actually had something made out to "eBay winner."

It was good to have a nice laugh like that. It's been a while.

I had a super long day with a lot of people. It was hard towards the end as I was getting tired and a little (okay, a lot) cranky and trying to keep everything together. It's okay because I needed to get back into being a semi-social person instead of the recluse I've become since my depression got worse.

I was talking to my doctor the other day and mentioned that this is really the first time in my life that I could be depressed without worrying about having to keep it together artificially because someone else's needs had to come first. I wonder if that's why this one seems so much worse than I remember the other episodes being. Perhaps it's not that it's worse, but I'm feeling it more.

This one's different because I'm not angry at myself for being depressed or for being flawed. I'm still trying to be loving and gentle with myself and accept that some of this is hard wired in me. I'm trying to be patient in realizing that our efforts to treat this aren't going to show immediate results, but eventually I will feel better.

The empty

There's usually some sort of lull in January. I've noticed it and others have too. I think it has to do with the fact that in December everything's decorated. In January we take everything down and replace it with.....nothing. Suddenly walls that looked fine before December look STARK naked, and that corner that the tree was in? A big corner of nothing.

I really think our eyes and our mind notices things like that and reacts to them.

Odd

It's funny how people respond to each other. I may think someone is unclear with their expectations and others think that same person is wonderful to work with. As nice as I am, I know there are some folks out there who don't like me. I don't know why, but they are out there.

I know that not everybody has to like me. I don't have to like everybody. I just have to be civil and get along with them when I do have to be around them.

Skip

I feel the need to skip tonight. I've been so down that what I've said isn't worth reading some nights.

I saw the doctor today and we will be making adjustments to my treatment. I hope this works. Unfortunately, tweaking brain chemistry is still an inexact science after all these years.

TV tonight

As some of you may know, American Idol starts tonight. It's an odd thing. People who think they're the greatest singers in the world go to try out for the show and find out that nobody in their life has told them they're tone deaf. As a result, they make the audition shows and people watch--sometimes cringing, sometimes laughing. So, is it better to destroy someone's dream before they make a fool of themselves, or should they still have the chance to try and see they don't have what it takes? Even sadder, some of them maintain their denial even when faced with the facts. Then we sit and watch and call it entertainment. Okay, I admit it. It's like a train wreck and better them than me so I will watch. I will feel for them a little. At least they had the courage to take a risk.

not much

Ask what I did today. Not much. I didn't go to work. I didn't even change out of my pajamas. Nope, I didn't do much today.

Thankfully I see my doctor Wednesday and I hope that means I get some answers as to why I'm responding the opposite way to my treatment.

day of rest

I know that the Sabbath should be a day of rest and it many ways it is. After all, taking a break from the weekly grind and troubles is always a good thing, whether or not you're busy doing other things or just chilling out. Unfortunately, there are some things that you cannot "take a break" from. Chronic illness, such as depression, is one. It would be wonderful to have an on and off switch where I could simply declare tomorrow my day of rest from depression symptoms. Rather, it's become part of my character. Not a label, but a feature. Thankfully it can be managed and I am working on that with the help of my doctor. In the meantime, it's something I learn to live with and work around or through as appropriate.

the ice

It's the season for figure skating. I really enjoy watching the competitions.

With one exception. I dread any broadcast that ABC does for one reason and one reason alone: "DICK! Button your mouth and let the skating speak for itself!!" (pun intended)

This guy drives me nuts! I would love nothing more than to be able to mute just the incessant commentary because not only does he comment about the skating, but he has to tell everybody why he's right and how his opinion is the one that matters and what we should think about the performances. I don't care that you're a two time Olympic gold medalist, I've seen skating enough to know when someone's made a misstep or when someone was scored unfairly.

When I was younger, I really didn't care and I don't think he was as bad as he is now that he's gotten older. He barely gives anybody else a chance to speak and won't shut up and let us watch it. In fact, back in the day, ABC had a lock on all the skating programs. I didn't realize how painful it was until I saw how other sports broadcasters covered skating. Even others who talk during the skater's program know to shut up once in a while and let us watch.

In the next version of Tivo and DVR's, please come up with a way to mute out the commentary but not the music. Maybe then Dick Button will finally sound better.

Rage against the rage

These last few days have been dreadful. Yesterday was the worst. Today had its moments that were better than others. I not only get tired of fighting for normalcy, but I get tired of dealing with rages that hit me when I'm down. They remind me of my reaction to a certain food dye allergy, but since I'm not eating anything with that color in it, there is another source.

I went to walmart and bought one of those bop bags. Man, they're not the same as they were when I was a kid. There's no cute face to punch.

However, I do hope that it will give me a chance to work off some of the anger that comes sometimes so that I don't take it out on innocent people or so that it doesn't come out in inappropriate ways.

On a slightly up note. I was doing some reading about a medication that I take (that my doctor's been adjusting the dose of) and it said that when changing doses it is possible for symptoms to worsen before improving. I hope that's all this is.

the fight

Sometimes I feel like I have to fight to get through normal things, such as my workday or other life tasks.

Other times I am just so tired of fighting that I stop. I feel like life shouldn't always be a fight and even if it were, nobody can fight all the time.

Today was one of those days where I tried. I really tried to fight. I was scheduled to work an hour of overtime and I had to cancel it. I thought that if I just worked my regular hours I'd be able to do it.

That didn't work. I was home by 3:30. I just didn't have the presence to deal with it today.

The one thing I know for sure is that if today didn't work right, there's always tomorrow.

The hump day

They say that Wednesday's the hump of the week, that it's a rough climb getting there and a fairly easy slide to the weekend. I'm not so sure.

I think that each week's got its own character and that you can't lump them all in the same category.

Some weeks Monday's good, other weeks every day's the pits.

A lot of it is what happens to you, but even more is how you respond to what happens.

wow! a first

As great as I felt Monday night, when I woke Tuesday, it was gone.

I spaced my blog entry. That's my first miss since I started this.

another monday

I think I'm starting to feel a little better emotionally. I worked a 10 hour shift today and it didn't feel like I was there forever. Fortunately, this (I think) is the last 10 hour Monday I have to do this year.

I did take more time for myself today than I usually need, but I think it may have evened out because I didn't get the extra break I usually get when scheduled for extra hours.

Best news of all? I was able to stop limping while walking later today. I've got the air cast off for the night. I've also been doing all the foot exercises that "they" tell you to do so that I can get the foot back ASAP. I'm not straining myself, just making sure that I move it so that it doesn't get used to being immobile.

weekend's end

I have to say that my ankle is healing up nicely. It's not back yet and I'm not sure I can do a lot of walking without the air cast.

Which makes me greatly relieved that I don't normally do New Years Resolutions. This happened on January 1, so any hope of starting a walking program or exercise program of most kinds was blown out of the water when my cat started the kitchen fire.

I love being able to blame it on the cat!

Anyway, since I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions, the point I will start moving more will be when I can do so safely on my ankle without causing it further damage.

It's not a contest, so I get to decide when I can start and when I finish.

don't call me

I worked for a few hours of overtime. It wasn't the worst thing I've done. For the most part, the calls were slow just how I like them. However, there were some weird calls from people that I just don't get.

Some folks feel the need to argue with whatever you say, good or bad. I don't know if it's because they're looking for a fight and are disappointed that I don't give it to them so they keep trying for one. Maybe it's because they're really not listening to begin with (which would explain why I have to repeat everything).

Some folks have rotten timing or aren't clear with their intentions. You think they're calling for one thing and they're calling about something else. Sometimes they ask you a question and when you answer the general question, they go in for the kill ("so why did you ..."). Others pick right before my break or lunch and suddenly decide it's time to go through every last one of their claims they've made in the past year, but they are sneaky about it. Just when you think the call's going to end, they say "okay, now about this one" and keep doing it.

Anyway, in general, I don't mind working phones because I do enjoy talking to people. However, when work's over, I rarely answer my phone. Thankfully I've got caller ID so I can decide who I want to talk to. I've also figured out that if there's a way to work through something online, I'd much rather do that. It's not that I don't like people, because I do. It's that phone work makes one weary.

Dancing with the Stars

I hope that ABC doesn't kill this idea by saying if it's good once in a while it's even better all the time.

I think that it's perfect Summertime fare. However, I did enjoy watching it last night. When I was in college, I took a few ballroom dance classes. It was an easy way to get out the PE requirement and it was fun. Okay, it would have been more fun if the class was even men to women, but I still enjoyed it.

I think that the thought of being perceived as elegant attracts a lot of people.

Not only that, but ballroom dancing holds a special place in my heart because that's how my parents met.

home again

I stayed home again today. I just couldn't bring myself to go in to work. I'm glad I don't have to fight it when I'm not up to being a part of the world. However I'm sure that as I start to feel better I'll feel more like fighting, but it will be less of a fight and more of a privilege.

I must go back to work tomorrow and I will. It's going to be a shorter day and then 3 hours on Saturday as part of that mandatory overtime we're all having to do.

I have to remember that I'm the only one who can take care of myself. Nobody else will do it for me.

Self-Care

I've learned how important it is to take care of myself.

The one thing I forgot to mention yesterday as part of my reasons for a lame blog entry was that I really needed to elevate my ankle.

I think I misunderstood the nurse Monday who said that in order for elevation to work you need to elevate it above heart level. I thought she meant that if you can't elevate it high enough, don't bother.

Well, my ankle was the size of a football when I got home last night. oops!

I have spent much more time elevating my foot and it's doing a lot better now. This is really the worst sprain I've experienced and I've done a number on my ankles on more than one occasion.

One thing that a friend suggested was to babyproof my stove. I still need to find stove knob covers. I found doorknob covers, but I'm not sure those will work on the stove knobs.

As I'm better able to go out and about and not just to work and back, I will have some searching to do.

boy am I tired!

I had to work a 10 hour day. I'm just not used to working a lot of extra hours and we've all been required to put in 5 hours this week, 2 of them were to be today.

I'm very tired and don't really feel like writing something substantive or inspirational.

I'll try again tomorrow.

what a day

The saga of my ankle continues. I was scheduled to work all day today, but thanks to way too few calls, the place closed 3 hours early. This gave me time to go to urgent care to have my ankle looked at. As well as I tried, I wasn't able to do for my ankle what it needed and I figured it would be easier to have a pro wrap it since it's such a pain to try and wrap one's own foot. X-rays showed it was definitely a sprain--no break (yay!). I got a lovely air cast which is actually helping me walk a little easier. The only drawback is that the air cast is totally incompatible with shoes so I will be wearing slippers for a few days (well, they're slippers meant to wear outdoors).

I watched the Rose parade when I got home tonight. Okay, I will confess that I only watched the floats and skipped through the rest. So much work goes into those floats and I was sorry to see some of them succumb to the rain. However, they were still works of art.

The cool Rose parade story this year is that almost every previous year, mom would tape the KTLA broadcast of the parade and mail it to me. There aren't too many stations, even the big networks, that show all 2 hours and 15 minutes of the parade, especially outside of Southern California. As I was getting ready for work today, I flipped it to the Travel channel (I was taping HGTV because I knew I'd get the whole parade from them). How surprised was I to see that the Travel channel was carrying KTLA's broadcast!! Too bad I had to leave for work and too bad they kept cutting to commercial. However, the best news was that KTLA is selling DVD copies of the parade broadcast. That means I can watch it the way I'm used to seeing it and at my leisure and even though mom couldn't get me a copy of the parade this year, I had the ability to get it myself.

what a way to start a year

A year ago, I was taking the day off from funeral plans, so no matter how this year began, it was bound to be better.

I tried to sleep in this morning to find a very bad smell in the house. When I got into the hall, lots of smoke and a clicking noise. Into the kitchen and there is a fire on my stove. My cat turned on the stove and it melted or blew up everything nearby. A bottle of salad dressing blew up all over the kitchen.

As I went to turn off the burner, my left leg flew out from under me, my right ankle sprained and I landed on my butt!

I've learned a few things today. My cat keeps doing strange things and I'm wondering if he's trying to kill me. Burnt vinegar smells as bad if not worse than burning plastic. I'm going to have to child/cat proof my stove. If I'd gone to church like I'd originally planned, I wouldn't have had a house to come back to. As soon as I can put more weight on my foot, I'm going to have to do some serious cleaning.

Happy New Year!