My World

No pictures. Just sentences.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Chipmunks and a bad road

I had to go to Edgewood this morning. I've had a lot on my mind lately and appreciated the drive. I appreciated it so much that I decided to take the long way home. I went up to Sandia Crest. Since the day was cloudy, there wasn't a terrific view of the city. The other side had a nice vista.

However, as I was walking the trail, I noticed a few chipmunks here and there. A couple had a dog with them who was engrossed in the chipmunks. After they left, I stood completely still and starting making a tsking noise. Some of the chipmunks got brave and came within a few inches of me before scampering back to safety. One kept coming back and made it all the way to my shoe before he ran off. He did it twice. It was a neat experience to see these chipmunks knowing I would do them no harm and having them get close to me to check me out.

On the way home, I found out there's a road that goes to Placitas instead of coming back the way I came. Well, it may be a numbered highway according to the state, but it's only a road in the loosest sense of the word!

I decided that I would go as far as I could. Part of me was saying that this was crazy and dangerous and I should go back to the familiar path. However, I drive an SUV and have done nothing SUV-ish since I bought the car and decided to keep going. The views were phenomenal! The road was insane, but I really was having fun managing the road.

I almost felt like I was channelling my grandfather who had a bad habit of taking cars where trucks might be safe going, taking trucks where you could possibly take a jeep and taking the jeep--OMG! and it brought back some fun memories, in addition to being in the mountains among the pines. My grandparents lived in Prescott, Arizona for many years and they lived in the mountains among the pines. It smelled great up there, you could hear the breezes going through the pines. You could look out from their home and see mountains of pine trees. That and some good music playing in the background made the experience complete.

An interesting day.

Friday, August 18, 2006

what a week!

Okay, actually it's more like what a month! The last time I was at my doctor's appointment, she mentioned she was taking a job and quitting her practice. I didn't deal with that very well.

I've since found out that things have changed and she won't be stopping her practice after all. Of course look at the month I wasted worrying about having to separate and get used to a new doctor!

Yesterday I had a birthday. It's the first birthday in a long time I felt like I could truly enjoy, both with the company of friends and with myself. Sure there are shades of "don't take up space" that still creep in, but when I remind myself that I released that horrid thought, I'm better able to enjoy attention on me (to a point).

Something came up today. I hadn't ever considered it but some things I mentioned about why I felt I was stalled in my weight loss, what happened the last time I felt like that, etc. I said that I felt like my fat had memories that would come up as I lost the weight and that I had trouble dealing with the stuff as it came up. Some/most of them were not pleasant memories, but stressful things I'd experienced that my mind seemed to try to keep me from remembering.

Things that I mentioned as if everybody had those experiences, she told me clearly were not. Apparently some of the "not so pretty" things in my life have created some post traumatic stress. I wasn't intentionally minimizing these things, just trying to explain them so that I could understand them.

I realize that the mind and body cannot go through hard stuff unscathed. I don't feel as if the information makes me a victim. Clearly the opposite. I feel that now that this has a name, I can learn from it and work with it and deal with it because I can identify it. That's empowering!