Progress, a miracle

Yesterday was our Christmas program at church. My little miracle was that I was able to stay in the chapel for the whole program. This is huge for me.

Eight years ago, my father died right before Christmas. His funeral was on the 20th, and the Christmas program in my mom's ward was on the 23rd. I decided that year I was not going because I couldn't stand the thought of hearing "sorry about your dad, merry Christmas."

The next year, I stayed home as well. Actually, I stayed home on the Sunday before Christmas for quite a few years. Two years ago was the first time I remember going to church that Sunday. I stayed in the foyer. Last year, I managed to stay in the chapel for part of the program. After my Primary class did their part, I went out to the foyer for the rest.

Why did I do it? Lots of reasons, really. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm an ugly crier and I don't like people seeing me cry. I think another reason is that I don't want to ruin others' happiness at this time of year.

This year was different. Because my friends and family are remembering me in their prayers to help me get through this month/season, I've been able to do things I haven't been able to do in years. I've been able to enjoy things about Christmas that in the past have reminded me of loss.

I'm extremely grateful for all the blessings and miracles that I've received during this year.

Hello December!

Both my parents died in December. My father in 2001 and my mother in 2004. One just before Christmas and one just after. This time of year has been hard for me ever since.

My favorite place to pray is in my car while I'm driving. A year ago, while asking for Divine help to get through this month, the thought came to me that this is the time of year where we celebrate the greatest gift of all, yet you are focused on your losses.

That thought kept me going for about halfway through the month last year.

I was hoping that this year would be different. Yesterday was Testimony meeting at church and as I was getting ready for church, the thought came to me that I needed to bear my testimony in that meeting and that it would be different than any I had ever given. I had to do something I don't do very well or very often. I had to ask my church family for help.

Church didn't start well for me. Hearing the Christmas music during the prelude made me a little teary and I was getting my nerve up to do what I had to do. Finally my turn. I bore testimony, but before I did, I asked that my ward family remember me in their prayers during this upcoming month and why it was such a problem. I was in tears and when I sat back down, I was shaking.

I came home from church with what I call an emotional hangover. My head was pounding and my stomach a mess. After resting for a while, I noticed something. My stomach wasn't hurting and my heart felt light. For the first time in years! When I woke up this morning, I still felt that good.

Today's been a busy day at work and I have had my share of stressful moments that are work related, but I'm still feeling pretty good.

Whether it was because of the prayers, or the fact that I had to request them that caused me to feel better, I don't know. Does it really matter? The Lord knew me and what I needed and gave me the courage to ask for what I needed. I will gladly accept this lightness as long as it lasts.

Ted and Dad

Late last night, they broke in to programming to announce the death of Ted Kennedy. Earlier this week on my facebook page, I did a "top 5" poll of people who I disagreed with but found intriguing. I put him on my list. I've always been intrigued by the Kennedy family dynamic and their history. I tried reading "The Fitzgeralds and the Kennedys" but it was hard to stick with (apologies to the author). What I was able to read about the grandparents to the Kennedy clan as we know it was quite interesting.

I felt that I had nothing in common with this family but admired how the women stayed so strong in the face of adversity, and the Kennedys definitely had their share.

On my "top 5" poll, I explained the reason I put Ted on the list when I couldn't find a listing for the Kennedy family. Last year, Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor called a glioma. I became a little too familiar with that when my dad developed one in 2001. My dad's prognosis was about a year, but he only lasted 3 months.

I realize that the Kennedys are grieving the loss of a loved one today. In their loss, I've been flooded with memories of my own loss from a similar diagnosis. In that respect, I guess I have something in common with the Kennedys after all.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

Seeing some of my friends updating their blogs reminded me it has been a while since I wrote something here.

No excuses, just a new entry.

A really good friend of mine moved away last week. She moved to Florida. The obligatory "well, now you've got a great place to vacation" did not help. Maybe that's because I know how I am. Sure, I keep in touch for a while, but then I get so caught up in my new life without that person that they go to the back burner.

The only saving grace that I have with regard to this horrible habit is that with electronic technology, it's way easier to stay in touch. Now I've got Facebook and e-mail, where before I had to get paper and physically write a letter. Trust me, it helps. I've been able to reconnect with people I never thought I'd find again.

(I've also been able to reconnect with extended family, who have been incredibly forgiving about my withdrawing after my mom died.)

Years ago, I heard a saying that friends enter your lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Even if I'm awful at staying in touch, know that you're in my heart forever, even if you were part of my life for a short time.

The calendar says it's tomorrow but my body says it's today.

I put that comment on my Facebook profile today. I know that there is someone out there who is wondering what that means.

Four years ago, I was in a hospital room, watching my mother go through the final stages of mortality. She was already gone, but her spirit had not yet left her body. For almost a week, I'd been in the hospital spending time with her, not knowing how long she would last. I knew it would happen. I did not know when.

When she finally passed away, it was around 3 in the morning. I had been talked into going to my motel room to get some sleep and to let her do what she needed to do alone, so she died alone in her room, but I know she wasn't alone. Mom was really stubborn and controlling, even to the point of waiting til I was gone for her to cross over.

Officially her date of death was December 28, but my body remembers it as the 27th, because I was with her then and watched her body shut down, knowing there was nothing I could do but let her know I would be okay.

I'm not sure I'm okay yet, but I will be. People who know me know I do not enjoy December and some of them know why. I know that better days are in store and they're called January.

The good news is that this year has been better and easier to get through. I also had an experience earlier this month as I was driving to church. The thought came into my mind that we celebrate the greatest gift of all during this time of year and yet I still go back and dwell on the losses I've experienced this time of year. Some year I will feel the hope and joy this season brings again, and have it last throughout the month.

Taking counsel from our fears

This phrase has stuck in my head lately. Perhaps it's because of some of the things going on in my life and the lives of some around me.

I believe that it means that the fear has control over you and your life, instead of just being a part of your life that you deal with and keep going.

In my case, the fear I've been taking counsel from has to do with sharing a part of my past more publicly than I'm comfortable with. What would people think? What would the reaction be? Would I suddenly no longer be allowed around certain people, places or things? Would I be blackballed or ostracized?

If I did not take counsel from my fears, I might think things like can my experience be of help? Can anyone else besides me learn from it? Is this why I went through it? Can this give purpose to something that at the time seemed so meaningless and random?

I think that as things continue, I will get some answers either way or even both ways. I also think that I will stop taking counsel from this fear when the need for the information and experience I can offer becomes more important than what others might think if they knew something like this about me.

Love or hate

I have learned in my life experience that when someone doesn't like you, they really don't care what you do or if you live or die.

I have also learned that if someone likes or cares about you, they do care.

Sometimes this is heavily tested. Sometimes we think people don't like us, but we find out they do when they do something to show they care. Sometimes we think people like us, but we find out that they really can't be bothered about us either way.

It hurts when we find out the ones we thought were on our side aren't really after all. It's a nice surprise to know that people you least expect are rooting for your success.

In The Little Prince, it is written "only the heart can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." This has been translated differently and I am quoting from memory so the quote may not be exact, but the message is loud and clear.

What seems like an act of dislike may actually be a great act of love and kindness. Time and a different perspective will tell.