help or hurt

It seems that too many things in life that are supposed to help us and up hurting us. They come up with these wonderful medications that are supposed to cure illness, but cause more problems in the way of side effects. Some decide they don't care because the desired result is worth more to them than the possible pain.

Others don't even try because of what could happen to them.

I think that the ideal lies somewhere in the middle.

I went through some hurtful things because I wanted a mom. I could have stayed angry and alone. Had I known more, I may have been stronger and able to find that middle ground.

sporadic

My postings have been rather sporadic lately. Besides being glued to the tv watching the olympics, I've been dealing with some health issues.

It's one thing to choose not to do something because you don't want to. It's another to be told you can't do something. Up until my heartrate went out of control high, I would say "I'm choosing not to exercise because I don't want to."

Now I'm saying, "doggone it! I want to exercise but I can't until my heartrate goes back down."

I don't think it's the love of exercise that's making me feel this way, but being told that I can't do something, whether or not I really want to do it.

an open letter to Lindsey Jacobellis

Lindsey, what were you thinking?

Seriously, you're at the greatest race of your life, way ahead of the competition, gold is on the line. I'd love to know what was going through your head.

Was it your youth that caused you to get sidetracked and make that jump? Was it a way of relieving tension? Perhaps you thought that if you didn't win the gold, they'd leave you alone and let you snowboard in peace?

I don't know why, and I'm still not sure that you know all the reasons why. I saw you just stand there, stunned, after realizing that playfulness cost you the race and the gold medal.

The best thing you can do at this point is forgive yourself, write it off to experience, and don't waste your talent. You'll probably catch some grief from your fellow athletes after they know you're okay about it. Eventually, the press will move on to another subject. In fact, they may already have by now.

There's always new races and prettier medals out there. Hope to see you in four years at the Vancouver games.

Teary ice

Okay, it was an enjoyable evening of skating tonight. Everybody made some sort of mistake and I'm not sure that I'm crazy about the new scoring system.

However, the final skater, Takahashi of Japan made me cry. It had nothing to do with his skating, but his choice of music. That was my mother's favorite piece of music. She played it when Dad died, she wanted it played at her funeral (which it was), and when I was with her in the hospital room, I snuck a CD player in there and played it several times. I haven't been able to listen to it since. I started to run out of the room when I heard it start, but I stayed and listened and watched the skater.

It's been hard to listen to Rachmaninoff's 2nd piano concerto ever since last year. Even an edited version to accomodate a skating program.

The other thing that stinks is that I'd get the program about 2 hours before she did and this is a night that I'd call and tell her she really wants to be watching about that time of the night.
I also would have been able to call her and find out that one skater was using Warsaw Concerto as his music (I believe his name was Sam from Canada). I was struggling with the name of that music until it just now came to me.

Drama on Ice

There was a couple last night from China, Zhang and Zhang (no relation) that tried to make history. They were attempting a throw quad salchow. This is where the man "throws" the lady and she does the salchow jump with 4 revolutions. Sadly she missed. Not only did she miss, she missed badly. She ended up twisting her knee and landing right on it plus sliding into the boards.

After giving her some time to check herself and after the trainer checked her out, she decided to go back out there. The rule is to pick up the program where you left off. It was beautiful! They did all their other twirls, spins, jumps, etc. In the end, they wound up with a silver medal. It was amazing to watch this. It was fun watching them cool off and wait for their scores as a trainer ran to her and wrapped and iced her knee, and she seemed oblivious to the whole thing.

They didn't make history this Olympics, but they did get back up, pick up where they left off, and they finished. They did their best.

This is my question for thought tonight: Is it better to try and miss, or play it safe and succeed?

Ice drama

I was rather sad to hear that Michelle Kwan dropped out of the Olympics due to injury.

However, I'm happier that she did it now than when it would be too late to call in a replacement.

Injuries are rough. When you're injured, you rely on neighboring muscles to make up for the deficit and sometimes that will cause those other muscles to strain. Whether this was a new injury or a reinjury, it's hard to work around.

I have to give her credit. She said in interviews that she told the committee when she petitioned for a spot on the Olympic team that if she was not 100%, she would bow out. When she got hurt again, consulted with medical professionals and realized she wasn't going to be 100%, she kept her word.

That's called integrity and that's worth more than any medal.

Olympics

I have had a bit of an off week. I couldn't figure out why until yesterday. That's part of why I didn't blog yesterday. This is my first Olympics without any family around. Usually a day of watching would consist of me calling Mom and telling her about what time to tune in for what I knew she wanted to see, or after we'd both seen something, we'd chat over the phone about what we saw, if it was dumb or cool, if it was fair or unfair, etc.

I know I'm going to watch things I don't normally get to watch (curling anyone?) and things that just amaze me (ski jumping) and things I love to watch (figure skating) and things that are just plain cool (hockey, speed skating, etc.).

I'll still enjoy it, but it will be hard not to reach for that phone and that part makes me sad.

Truth in advertising

I went to Long John Silvers tonight. I was craving a good salad and remembered how good their shrimp and seafood salad is. I got to the drive up to place my order. "oh no, we don't have salads" the employee responded. I explained that I was looking right at their menu and it was there plain as day. She said "we only have stuff like that in the summer, I guess we'll have to take that sign down."

She didn't care that I wasn't getting what I wanted, what they were still advertising. She thought it rather odd that I was even asking for it, as if it were MY fault they weren't updating their menus properly.

In my life, there are times I send messages I don't mean to. We all do it. It could be something as simple as refusing to take your calls or return your messages, or dressing inappropriately, or pretending everything's fine when I know that it's not.

I'm not suggesting that I walk around with a cloud over my head on the days that I'm in a bad mood, but what I know is that I need to be more honest in how I'm feeling...and that Long John Silver's needs to fix their menu with or without salads.

Freak Out!

Okay, I admit it. I'm freaking out. Any time I get put in a position of responsibility, I tend to freak. That's the only way I can describe it. I want to be in a place that I am respected and valued, yet am constantly in fear that neither will happen. I want things to work smoothly, even a semblance of order would be nice. Perhaps that others in the group have a modicum of passion, or better yet, compassion?

I feel so alone when I have to do these things. I know that there are people who care and want me to succeed. I know that generally, the average person won't have a clue of the hell I end up going through to get something together and hope it's presentable. I try to let go and let things happen, but the judgments creep in--from somewhere inside me. I do come by it naturally, after all I was trained well. My mother refused to let me think I was good at something, yet would always wonder to me why I was so hard on myself. Not knowing what Mom was doing, Dad would tell me how wonderful I was and wonder why I didn't see it.

Sure, not everything's my parents' fault. I know that. What I don't know is how to turn off those judgments that keep sneaking in. I don't know why I even acknowledge them as valid.

I got a good Rhonda Britten quote in my e-mail. It's from her book Fearless Living and it hit me as I was thinking about these things.

"When our expectations are a primary factor in the way we think, speak, and listen, disappointment becomes a way of life. Expectations seem to change with each individual situation, yet in the end, it is just our fear manifesting itself in endless ways."

Here's the $64,000 question: How do I reduce the import of my expectations?

sleep

Sleep is a good thing. Sleep is a bad thing. Sleep just is.

Sleep is good because that's when the body repairs the damage we did to it during the day. It's important to get a certain amount of sleep. While we're sleeping, sometimes we dream. The dreams are the mind's way of trying to make sense of what's going on in our lives. Sometimes the dreams carry messages that we need to know.

Like every other good thing in our lives, sleep can be overused and abused. If we go too long without it, our bodies will crash and demand sleep. If we want to escape something, sleep can be used to escape feeling.

Last night, it took me a while to get to sleep. It happens periodically. I have some tricks that I use to get to sleep when it escapes me and after about an hour of trying the tricks, I did finally get to sleep.

This morning, it was hard to stay awake. I tried. I really tried, but I could not stay awake. I didn't oversleep to the point that it would be hard to sleep tonight, but I did go back to bed after the alarm woke me up.

Right now, whether I'm doing escape sleep or sleeping because I'm tired doesn't matter to me. It's not on my list of priorities. The fact is that when I sleep I am taking care of myself.

time

They say that time heals all wounds. I don't necessarily feel healed by time, but I know that the distance does help put perspective on things.

Ninety two years ago today, my Gpa was born. Somewhere in a moving box is a history of him that my aunt (his younger sister) made. It's a nice biography and talks about some things that didn't surprise me about my Gpa but I thought they were really neat.

Gpa had limited education, his father having died when he was young. Gpa was the oldest so it fell upon him to help support his family. His mother was an artist, but so was Gpa. Not only an artist but also a craftsman. He was even an inventor. Nothing in the patent office bears his name, but he came up with things that someone else down the line did patent.

I was their only grandchild and I was blessed to have him in my life 35 years. This summer it will have been 10 years since he died. I still miss him. It's not quite as raw as with my parents, partly because I had my dad to help get me through losing my grandparents.

My grandparents were better at being grandparents than they were parents to my mother. However, that is not my fault, nor is it my mother's fault. It's just how it was.

Saturday

I woke up feeling like I could be productive today, so I went back to bed until the feeling went away.

I'm just kidding. I couldn't think of anything to talk about. I did waste my Saturday, but I'm going to blame it on my foot.

I know when I was at the doctor's yesterday, in addition to being pleased with the way I'm responding to the latest changes in my treatment, we talked about burning out. You see, this is a busy time of year in health care because people are getting used to their new plans. My employer's solution is to require everybody to work overtime. Problem is, I'm not handling it very well. I am not in danger of burnout, but I'm also not adjusting to the extra hours. Either I end up not able to work them or not able to go back the next day.

Of course with each week that may change (the need for the OT and my ability or inability to work it).

my right foot

I can't tell you how badly my foot/ankle was hurt, but I do know one thing. I should not have worn my nikes yesterday.

Strange how we think we know what's good for us, to the point of being insistent, stubborn, willful, etc. Then when we do act on our own, we find out just how little we do know of what's best for us.

It's an ongoing journey and what may have been correct yesterday may not be right today. We have to adapt and adjust to an ever changing and challenging world. Okay, I have to do it.

I read a great quote in the paper today. The New Mexico taxation website had a glitch in their online form. Instead of giving taxpayers the chance to donate part of their refund to the political party of their choice, it kept changing everybody's donation to Democratic party. Some who are cynical might say that it was done intentionally as there is much rumored and verified corruption in the state leaning towards the Democrats side. The state Republican chair was quoted as saying, "I can handle defeat. It's when they move the goalposts I have a problem."

I lived in an environment where the rules were constantly changing. I know that feeling.

I also know that it's strange the lessons my stupid foot can offer.

ouch!

I thought to myself, "hey, it's been a month since you injured your foot, time to get rid of the splint and start wearing shoes again. Besides, you need to get back into your orthotics because your back's starting to hurt."

However, my foot had other ideas. My foot apparently is still swollen and I couldn't keep my shoe tied. I found myself having to take it off at work for relief. BIG mistake!

So many times I try to put myself back where I was comfortable or where things fit just so, even though I've somehow changed and it just no longer fits.

When I'd go visit my parents after living on my own for so long, it was awkward at times and certain things no longer fit.

But when it comes to my foot, I hope it's just a matter of time before I can get back into my shoes again and be comfortable.