My World

No pictures. Just sentences.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Freak Out!

Okay, I admit it. I'm freaking out. Any time I get put in a position of responsibility, I tend to freak. That's the only way I can describe it. I want to be in a place that I am respected and valued, yet am constantly in fear that neither will happen. I want things to work smoothly, even a semblance of order would be nice. Perhaps that others in the group have a modicum of passion, or better yet, compassion?

I feel so alone when I have to do these things. I know that there are people who care and want me to succeed. I know that generally, the average person won't have a clue of the hell I end up going through to get something together and hope it's presentable. I try to let go and let things happen, but the judgments creep in--from somewhere inside me. I do come by it naturally, after all I was trained well. My mother refused to let me think I was good at something, yet would always wonder to me why I was so hard on myself. Not knowing what Mom was doing, Dad would tell me how wonderful I was and wonder why I didn't see it.

Sure, not everything's my parents' fault. I know that. What I don't know is how to turn off those judgments that keep sneaking in. I don't know why I even acknowledge them as valid.

I got a good Rhonda Britten quote in my e-mail. It's from her book Fearless Living and it hit me as I was thinking about these things.

"When our expectations are a primary factor in the way we think, speak, and listen, disappointment becomes a way of life. Expectations seem to change with each individual situation, yet in the end, it is just our fear manifesting itself in endless ways."

Here's the $64,000 question: How do I reduce the import of my expectations?


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