My World

No pictures. Just sentences.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The calendar says it's tomorrow but my body says it's today.

I put that comment on my Facebook profile today. I know that there is someone out there who is wondering what that means.

Four years ago, I was in a hospital room, watching my mother go through the final stages of mortality. She was already gone, but her spirit had not yet left her body. For almost a week, I'd been in the hospital spending time with her, not knowing how long she would last. I knew it would happen. I did not know when.

When she finally passed away, it was around 3 in the morning. I had been talked into going to my motel room to get some sleep and to let her do what she needed to do alone, so she died alone in her room, but I know she wasn't alone. Mom was really stubborn and controlling, even to the point of waiting til I was gone for her to cross over.

Officially her date of death was December 28, but my body remembers it as the 27th, because I was with her then and watched her body shut down, knowing there was nothing I could do but let her know I would be okay.

I'm not sure I'm okay yet, but I will be. People who know me know I do not enjoy December and some of them know why. I know that better days are in store and they're called January.

The good news is that this year has been better and easier to get through. I also had an experience earlier this month as I was driving to church. The thought came into my mind that we celebrate the greatest gift of all during this time of year and yet I still go back and dwell on the losses I've experienced this time of year. Some year I will feel the hope and joy this season brings again, and have it last throughout the month.