The journey

I find it interesting how little control I have over the journeys in my life. There have been things that I have clearly chosen with regard to my life. However, there are other aspects of my life that have more often than not chosen me.

I'm not aimless. I do have goals in life. However things happen and I find that my talents are better needed elsewhere. In some ways it's frustrating, but in other ways it's a good experience because I end up learning things I would not learn if I'd stuck to my original plan.

Goals are great, but being open to what life offers is also a good thing.

Numbers

A couple months ago, after decided that I was no longer in scale denial, I bought a scale. I bought it at Target online and searched through the descriptions to see if there was a max weight listed. There wasn't, and the picture led me to believe that it could handle larger weights. Well, when I received the scale, I found out it did have a max weight listed on the box.

That means that when you step on it and you're over that max weight, you get an error message.

Today was the first day that I got numbers on the scale instead of an error message. Yeah, I'm just a bit excited.

Actually, something interesting happened last night after my Toastmasters meeting. I haven't been telling people that I've been working on my weight. I was in a parking lot, and someone penned me in when they parked. In the past, I'd release the parking brake and push the car out to where I could get in easily. (Even a RAV4 can push pretty easily) I went to the passenger side of the car, put my purse and organizer in, then went to the driver's side and squeezed my way in to the car with only a little difficulty.

I was SO EXCITED that I backed up all the way to where Marianne was and said (not caring who heard me) "Did you see that? Thirty pounds ago there was no way I could have done that!"

Okay, so my dirty little secret is out, but I was so caught up in the excitement of the moment that I didn't care.

Sunny Bear

Besides being in cardiac rehab, Dad did peer visiting at the hospital for Mended Hearts (www.mendedhearts.org). The nurses at the hospital LOVED him!

When he was hospitalized because of the brain tumor, these nurses in rehab and in the heart wing would come and visit Dad on their breaks. One of the rehab nurses brought him a beanie buddy called Sunny. Sunny is a pretty yellow bear with the cute face. Dad, of course, thought it was sweet that they were thinking of him, but kept telling me that I could take Sunny home and that I could have him.

I decided he needed a buddy so I'd leave it with him until he had his surgery. At that time, we retrieved all his stuff and took it home. Well, his friends at the hospital would have nothing of Dad being bearless. Once he was out of ICU, on one of my visits, I saw a new bear in Dad's room. This one was called Periwinkle. He was blue. For some reason, Dad was okay with having the blue bear because he never told me to take it home. I guess the blue bear was more manly than the sunny yellow one. After Dad died, Mom kept Periwinkle and I had Sunny.

I just was going through some of my things today, trying to get some cleaning, organizing, and unpacking done. I found Sunny! I just sat and held her for a while and I felt happy. It made me smile remembering the look on Dad's face when these sweet nurses kept bringing him, of all things, stuffed animals, and how the blue one was okay for him to keep but not the yellow one.

The parable of the butterfly

Last night at my Toastmasters meeting, we had a chance to hear and give feedback to a friend who is in the 2nd to last round of the world championship of public speaking.

In his speech, he uses the example of "helping" a butterfly emerge from its cocoon only to have disabled it to the point of death. I'm sure many of us have heard the story and can glean some meaning from it.

Marianne responded rather oddly. She said "I hate that story. Not because of the meaning but because of the butterfly dying." I asked her "have you seen what happens when it's done to humans?"

Lisa, a 40 year old woman who appeared on Starting Over earlier this year was a product of her parents helping her to the point of disability. Extensive effort was made to encourage her change. She was almost kicked out of the house. However, she did learn how to become a somewhat responsible adult.

There have been times in my life where I felt like someone has helped me to the point of disability. I think that could have explained part of why I went into such a tailspin after my mother died. I was trying so hard to show how mature and responsible I was and failing miserably at it. I resented her controlling nature, but once it was gone, it was hard for me to find my own way. I was in a freefall emotionally. Thankfully I'm working my way back to what I feel I should be, but it's not easy. Parents are to guide, not control.

I found a poem I'd heard before that also applies to all this. It was written by Carol Lynn Pearson. I found it on a quotation site when I googled Ms. Pearson's name.

The Lesson

Yes, my fretting,
Frowning child,
I could cross
The room to you
More easily.

But I’ve already
Learned to walk,
So I make you
Come to me.
Let go now—
There!You see?

Oh, remember
This simple lesson,
Child,And when
In later years
You cry out
With tight fists

And tears—
“Oh, help me,
God—please.”—
Just listen
And you’ll hear

A silent voice:
I would, child,
I would.
But it’s you,
Not I,
Who needs to try
Godhood.”