Do the Math

I had an opportunity to hear a presentation given by Joyce and Dennis Ashton about grieving. In Joyce Ashton's message, one of the first things out of her mouth was that it can take 18-24 months or longer to find your "new normal."

I've been thinking a lot about these last 9 years. I'm an only child and an only grandchild on my mother's side. My grandparents lived well into their 80's and my parents both died a couple months after turning 70. My grandfather died in 1997. My grandmother in 1999. Dad died in 2001 and Mom died in 2004. When I do the math, using this 18-24 months or longer system, perhaps I will have found a new normal by 2008.

Okay, so maybe it won't take that long, but when I did the math, I realized that everything I've been going through these last several years are part of my quest to find a new normal. I still don't think I'm there yet, but at least I know there's no more immediate family left to die. Okay, that sounds really strange, but I don't mean it in the weird way. I mean it in the way that states that my world has probably been rocked as much as it can be for now.

The Ashton's wrote a book on grief called "Jesus Wept." http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1555175627/qid=1151286983/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-8038213-5963816?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

It talks about grieving from an LDS perspective and explains that it's okay to grieve losses, because even Jesus wept when he heard that his friend Lazarus had died. I started reading the book after my dad died, but never got through it due to my having to drop everything to take care of my mother. The book is in a box somewhere and as I have resumed my unpacking since my move and I'm starting to put things in a place they belong, I'm sure I'll find the book again and will get back into reading it.

fear of unknown

I've been thinking for some time about how my company offers work from home positions. I always felt I wasn't that type--that I needed a place to go, that I needed to be around other people, etc.

Today I found out that they want everybody there to become work at home. In fact, the office as we know it will be closing in a couple months and become exclusively a work at home environment.

I have about one week to decide if I really want to try working from home or if I should look for work elsewhere.

Of course the thought scares me spitless. Not just the responsibility, but the ownership and the thought of having my workplace in my house.

I honestly don't know if I can do this. I'm not completely convinced I want to try. However, if I decide to try for it and it doesn't work out, the worst that could happen would be I'd have to find another job. If I don't try it, I still have to find another job.

come out of hiding

I have to say that I like the fact that my blog goes out to whoever wants to read it. Normally people journal for themselves and any family that may come after them. In my case, there really isn't any family that will come after me as I do not have children.

This is my way of sharing with anybody who chooses to read.

I like the slight bit of anonymity, but on the other hand, I like that I feel I can be more myself.

Tonight in my Toastmasters meeting, I really shared a lot about myself. I probably shared more than I would under a normal circumstance, but it felt safe and it felt okay. I don't always feel that way, so when those times do come, it's nice to act on it.

Maybe if when I am able to be myself some of the time, it will make it easier for me to be myself all of the time in the future.

Mental health

After all the stress and stuff going on the last couple days, apparently I'd had enough because I had to take today off.

It felt so good to take care of myself today. It's really too bad that declaring a "mental health day" has such a bad rap from people using it to play hooky, because that's pretty much what I have to do in order to take care of myself. When you live with chronic illness, many times sick days ARE mental health days.

I took a nap, watched something really good on tv, went grocery shopping, watered the flowers and did some housework. I did things that would take care of myself.

I know it's hard to believe. I actually did some housework. It doesn't look like I did very much, but it doesn't have to. It's a start towards getting my house in order so that I can make it more of a home for me.

frustration

So my blogger signed me out and it took forever for me to get back in. Why am I not surprised? Today was a HARD day. Yesterday was a HARD day.

Yesterday I went to church and while I was there, a seam just popped out of my dress. I had been so excited that I could wear it and that it fit. Unfortunately the last time I wore it, it was a bit tight and the damage had already been done.

Today was my first day back on the phones at work since being off for 3 months. I returned to work right after Memorial day, but they gave me 2 weeks to get caught up before throwing me to the sharks.

I've felt very stressed and frustrated all day today. It would have been SO EASY to call in sick today. I felt like I was going from one panic attack to the next. It never eased up and I decided I was going to have to work through it.

The sad part is that I really used to like what I do for a living. I'm not sure if this is the depression putting up a last gasp or if this is a sign that I need to move on.

I do see the doctor on Thursday and perhaps she'll have some insight to what's going on with me.