watch the birdie

This morning I looked out the window into the backyard and I saw this bird hopping around. Upon closer inspection, I saw it was clearly a robin. This bird was grabbing things from the ground and when it looked up, I saw it was looking for nesting material.

I tried to see where it went. I think it may have been building on my back neighbor's tree. I'll have to do some inspecting when I get out there to get the flower boxes revived from winter.

la la monday monday

It was a nice, quiet day. Except for the wind and allergies kicking my butt. However, the rest of the day was rather quiet.

I had another one of those days where I really wanted to be productive, then I fell back asleep and when I woke back up the urge went away.

There is good news for me though. I've been making some efforts to eat better, and while I was living on takeout for a while, the last takeout I ordered was Saturday night. I've not been all that motivated to actually cook real food yet, but at least I've been relying less on foods that are not in my best interest right now.

I've also decided that my days of scale denial are going to be coming to an end very soon. It's not that I fear the numbers or that I let the numbers play with my mind, because I don't. It's more like I was avoiding any tools that gave me accountability and I'm trying to bring some of those back.

busy weekend

First a housekeeping item. This morning I received a sweet e-mail from a certain blog-lurker with the corrected quote that was used in his speech. He said: I believe the phrasing was “Miz, you are the finest version of Miz we shall ever meet in this lifetime!” (of course I'm substituting my real name for my blog name)

I admit that I couldn't remember the exact wording, but I sure remember the feeling, and the message was something I needed at that very time. All this time since yesterday I'd been trying to figure out how to ask the question on my mind (How did he know?) and getting up the nerve to ask him and the answer came to me.

Now for a strange coincidence. I watch (or record and watch) a show called Starting Over, abount women who, with the assistance of two life coaches and a psychologist, work towards changing their lives. There is a woman on the show, Kim, whose story is full of abandonment, neglect and abuse. Last week, they brought her mother out to do some work with her. At first I was engrossed in the story and didn't think anything of it. The longer the mother (Melinda) was on, the more I realized there was something familiar about her. When I finally put it all together, I realized I'd worked with her about 13 years ago when I lived in Denver. I never had any clue what was going on in her life at that time. It really wasn't appropriate to the relationship. I remember when her father died, which she talked about when sharing her part of the story, but after hearing "the rest of the story", the reason I didn't know the other details was because again, it would have been inappropriate to the relationship.

I have to say I was quite floored when I made the realization. Not in a bad way. More in a compassionate way. You see, the reason I even crossed paths with Melinda was because in 1993, I was going through a lot of pain. I changed my schedule to work a night shift to make it easier to schedule appointments and such. She worked nights because it was a second job for her. We ended up sitting together, talking about stuff, but mostly superficial things such as the last call we took, or what sounded good for dinner. I did not feel it appropriate to discuss my pain and neither did she.

At this point, if she remembered me and we were to talk, I'd probably ask her how things turned out and how she is doing now.

This has been quite a full weekend I must say. The other interesting thing was a phone conversation I had today with a mentor. I was reminded that I really do need to take better care of myself. I said that I was taking baby steps and wasn't sure which area to take the next step. He said both food and exercise. He was compassionate when I mentioned my medication problems and relieved that I was doing better since the switch. I honestly wish I could have spent much more time talking, but it was not appropriate to do so at that time.

Perhaps more is happening because my awareness has improved. Perhaps it's just a happy coincidence. Perhaps it really doesn't matter.

what a difference

After spending several days in hell, I finally decided it was time to call the doctor. I let her know what was going on and could I PLEASE increase the dosage before I saw her next week.

I can't tell you the difference that a small change made literally overnight. I'm still not where I know I can be, but I am responding well to the changes so far.

I am a Toastmaster. Today I was the toastmaster (MC) for one of the speech contests. I'm glad that I was feeling better because I could put my heart and soul into doing this job instead of merely going through the motions. One of the speech contests is the preliminaries for the World Champion of Public Speaking. One of the contestants gave the most interesting speech. This is someone that I have gotten to know through these few years I've been involved with Toastmasters and have enjoyed listening to what he's said.

Suddenly in the middle of his speech, he looked at me, called me by name and said "you are the best you that you can be." He was using other audience members for his examples as well, but this was something I needed to hear today.

I know that Marianne's said it to me before, but that's somehow different. This WAS different. It was as if he was inspired that I really needed to hear that message at that very moment. I still need to be reminded, but as my medication's being corrected and I'm starting to feel like myself again, it couldn't have come at a better time.

creating time

I spent the good part of today making jewelry. It's something tactile and creative but it doesn't require a lot of attention to detail.

It's something that I can use for upcoming events, prizes, gifts, whatever. I think that right now, it's more important that I make it than what I'm making it for.

While I'm no medical professional so I cannot judge the timing, I'm beyond ready for the doctor to take the next steps. The only upside to feeling like this is that I don't have to work, which means I have more time for creative pursuits that I enjoy.

shoulda known better

I really should know better than to blog when I feel like this.

I feel dumb for risking and failing.

I'll be quiet for now.

not good enough

Right now I'm trying to get my meds corrected. It's taking time. In the meantime, life goes on and I try to make plans for my future. It's hard when I can hardly see past today to think long term.

Not only that, I have to relanguage and repattern and re a lot of stuff in my life. Some of those old tapes are getting louder now that I don't have the defense of my medication. Some of them are getting louder because the same things keep happening over and over again. In some things I've been well taught and it's been so well engrained in me that I don't matter, my best effort isn't good enough, I'm not good enough, there is a separate (harder) set of rules for me than the rest of the world, etc.

The saddest part is that even though I keep hearing that I'm not good enough, what I'm hoping is really being said is that I'm not ready.

I feel that I probably haven't learned enough, or I'm not bold enough, or I'm not strong enough, or I'm not enough. I want to think that's garbage but right now I don't know what to believe.

Until I'm stronger, can someone play the appropriate tape that I can't even name right now really loud so that we can drown out the other tapes?

heart and soul

My father was a heart patient for a large portion of his life. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I've been experiencing a side effect to one of my medications. This particular medication is elevating my heartrate.

I had a strange occurrence yesterday. Just walking to the mailbox and back (it's a cluster box across the street from my house) made me as winded as if I'd done a full blown workout.

I will say that I've had a lot of opportunity to think. I'm far from in shape. I'm far from my ideal weight. I knew the time would come that I would have to do something about it. Having this heart scare these last few days has reminded me how important it is to take care of myself in every way possible.

I promise I won't be a born-again dieter. I don't diet. However, I do know that it's time to make some serious changes in my life and lifestyle. They won't all come at once. That's crazy! However, I am definitely doing something instead of saying that now's not the time. Now IS the time for me.