a sad realization

Two years ago, my mother left to be with my father. I had a rather sad realization this morning. I had a few spare moments and decided to clean out a drawer from a dresser that came from my grandparents' house.

I have a lot of things to go through from my family and seem to only do it a little bit at a time. Eventually those little bits will add up.

This drawer had a LOT of greeting cards that were given to my grandparents by various people, including my mother. When it comes to greeting cards, I can't fake it. If I don't feel that my family is "wonderful" or "loving" I search for a card that leaves those words out. My mother always went for the big, ornate, beautiful, extra postage required cards, whether or not she really felt the message inside. My sad realization came when I saw all those cards relegated to the same junk drawer as old golf tees, used up eyeglasses, wedding invitations where the couple may or may not still be married, and whatever else was in that drawer.

My mother's cards were shouting "see how much I love you! Please love me!" and they ended up with the same fate as everything else in the drawer. No scrapbook or place of honor for her requests to be loved, just a junk drawer.

This also reminded me of something that Rhonda Britten said a few times, about how some of us are desperate for even scraps of love, and some of the less than desirable things we do to get those scraps.

My mother was not nice to me. I just wanted her to love me and treat me decently. She never learned how because her parents never really taught her how to love and to be loved. I can't fault her for something she never learned, but I can be sad about it. And I am.