Haunted by words
My mother was someone who chose her words carefully and meant every one of them. My father would blow up say something stupid and forget what he'd said after he calmed down.
Here is my problem. Lately, I'm being haunted by something my mother said to me. "The biggest mistake I ever made was letting you go to [university] because you learned how to stand up for yourself."
I WANT to let this go, but just wanting to isn't enough. The implications of this are huge. If I were to understand what she said, she said that she regretted my becoming an independent, somewhat responsible adult. She would have been happier if I were a miserable blob only around to take care of her I guess. I don't know.
I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much. I wish it were easier to be able to let it go and forgive her for her ill-conceived words. (Some day I will do that) I also think that if she really believed what she said, she didn't think very much of me. Nobody wants to think their parents feel that way about them!
One one hand she would tell me how she couldn't understand why I was so hard on myself and on the other hand she'd be telling me how inept she thought I was, or just not good enough. I do want to be able to be free of the pain this brings. I guess wanting it is the first step.
Here is my problem. Lately, I'm being haunted by something my mother said to me. "The biggest mistake I ever made was letting you go to [university] because you learned how to stand up for yourself."
I WANT to let this go, but just wanting to isn't enough. The implications of this are huge. If I were to understand what she said, she said that she regretted my becoming an independent, somewhat responsible adult. She would have been happier if I were a miserable blob only around to take care of her I guess. I don't know.
I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much. I wish it were easier to be able to let it go and forgive her for her ill-conceived words. (Some day I will do that) I also think that if she really believed what she said, she didn't think very much of me. Nobody wants to think their parents feel that way about them!
One one hand she would tell me how she couldn't understand why I was so hard on myself and on the other hand she'd be telling me how inept she thought I was, or just not good enough. I do want to be able to be free of the pain this brings. I guess wanting it is the first step.
posted by Miz @ 7:09 PM
1 Comments:
At 6:33 PM,
Rachel said…
As Elaine said, your posts resound with me due to the similarities to my own experiences.
I understand completely about grappling with things that have been said in the past and wondering about their relvance to the future. Like if you should hold on to what is said, how to adapt it to fit who you want to be and how to find the strength to discard that which needs to be... or perhaps I don't understand at all and that is just what I'm thinking today. I don't know! =)
But this I do know, your Mom saying that, in a way, is a backwards compliment. She recognized that you had become more of a complete and different person without her influence. You were able to function and live a life she couldn't. My Mom said the same things to me. And worse. She's also gone now. Two years on November 3rd. Perhaps your Mom reacted like she did because she didn't know how to 'deal' with the woman you had become...
I'm going to stop rambling now. Come visit my blog anytime and feel free to trash anything I write! :) I should have something posted soon!
Rachel (from the MB)
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