Tough day

I was so sure that I could handle Christmas this year. I went to Hallmark to pick up that cute little snowman that plays the piano. You were supposed to get a big discount if you bought 3 cards. Well, I looked at the cards and I couldn't even walk near the Christmas cards for family members. All I could think about is "no, I don't need to buy a card for parents who aren't living anymore."

I was going to get a card for an aunt in California, but I just felt worse and worse as I stared at those Christmas cards.

I know that it sounds silly, but I've learned that you never know where grief will turn up.

I got the snowman. He makes me smile. The rest of the night I've been kind of down. If I drank, I probably would. If I did drugs, I probably would. All I've got that I can do is eat and shop. I did a little bit of each and it didn't make me feel better and it didn't make the sadness go away. Actually if I had a compulsion to clean when I felt like this, at least it would be something constructive while I was trying to avoid feeling.

I know, the feelings we refuse to feel will run our lives. That's a Rhonda Britten quote, and it's so true.