Figuring it out

I have a tendency to go for a while feeling low and not understanding particularly why. I've been this way about Thanksgiving and the upcoming holidays and just not getting it.

Late last night I had a realization. It was one year ago, Thanksgiving weekend, that I got the call from the hospital about my mother being in ICU. She did not leave that hospital alive, even though she hung on for just over a month before she died.

I remember being asleep, not answering the phone or not hearing the ring. It was midnight Saturday to Sunday and the message was left by an ICU nurse at the hospital. After that I can't recall if I picked up the phone mid-message or just called her back, but it was the beginning of a wild ride that led to my mother's death. Her in California, me in New Mexico.

I do not know why my subconscious chose to remember that memory and not others about this time, but that is what happened and this is the year of all those firsts that nobody really wants to have to deal with.

The first Christmastime after my father died, a local hospice put on a "grieving through the holidays" workshop and it was a lot of help to me. I'm hoping that there's something like that again this year if possible.