My World

No pictures. Just sentences.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

About a year

If you count the actual day of the week, it's already been a year since Mom died. If you count calendar days, it will be tomorrow.

I believe that taking this week off was one of the best things I could possibly do for myself. My eyes kept leaking periodically throughout the day. I couldn't get them to a cry if I tried. Just those silent tears. Other than picking up my new sunglasses and getting my new glasses adjusted some more, oh and a trip to walmart, I didn't do too much.

I did find some CUTE, kitschy lights in the half price holiday sale. They look like the old fashioned Christmas bulbs only about 3-4 sizes larger. I also found out they were putting their assembled gift packs on sale so I picked up some spa-type brushes and loofahs at half price.

Sure, I admit it was a distraction. It was much easier than remembering what I was doing a year ago. I seemed to be the only non-medical person there that could tell the changes in her breathing and her body as it was shutting down. I'd been telling her I loved her all week and that it was okay to do what she needed to do, that she'd be much happier seeing Dad and others who had preceded her. I had to make some serious medical decisions, such as stopping her feeding and breathing treatments. I knew she was leaving and they would only add minutes to her life at that point.

Apparently this was something she had to do alone, because I was wisely convinced by a friend to go to my motel room and get some rest about 12:30am and she was gone a couple of hours after that.

Unfortunately, when she died, the dreams died with her. The dream of having a more normal mother/daughter relationship, the dream of her telling me that she was proud of me and that she felt I was capable after all, the dream of her giving up her controlling and manipulative ways. All gone when her spirit left her body. Well, not totally gone, but definitely postponed for about 30-40 years.


  • At 11:54 PM, Blogger Marianne said…

    The perspective from heaven must be pretty good. Maybe she's already saying those things?


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