My World

No pictures. Just sentences.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Turning Forty-ten

(Posted on FB 8/16/2011)

Tomorrow is the day that I turn forty-ten. I know it's another word, but right now that one is a big "F" word and I'm having trouble saying it. These last eight months have been pretty rough on me. You'd think I was grieving a loss with all the denial, bargaining, etc. I've been doing.

A few things came to mind as to why I was behaving like this. Earlier in the year, I remembered a conversation I had with my dad the day Mom turned "that age". He was really into giving her flowers but never would do the "dozen roses" thing. He got her a dozen roses for her birthday that year. I remember asking Dad if he would do that for me when I turned "that age". I think he said something to the effect of "If I'm still around." I never gave it another thought because our parents are supposed to live forever, right?

Another thing that had me in a tizzy about this birthday was the fact that even though I was in another state when I turned forty, I was able to share the fun with them and I would not have that this year. After I realized how much that affected me, I was suddenly more ok about the birthday to be and not as freaked out. I didn't realize this until last week.

This afternoon, my doorbell rang. I saw a friend's husband at the door. At first I had to make sure I wasn't in trouble because he was in his uniform (I won't say what he does to protect their privacy, but he is in law enforcement). I had been warned last night that he was coming because my friend "forgot to put my card in the mail." He had a vase full of roses in his hand ready to give to me. I remember telling my friend about that story earlier in the year but was really surprised because I was not expecting it. I was so surprised that I started crying in front of him (well, I tried to hide it).

I would like to think I'll have a lot of well wishes and thoughts from friends. For someone to remember my daddy and bring him to me for my birthday in some small way meant a lot. I appreciate every time someone thinks about me. I just happened to write about this one.


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