My World

No pictures. Just sentences.

Monday, November 07, 2005


My mom died 10 months ago. That was the only way the universe could help me realize who I really need to be. Sure I'm sad and I miss her, I even love her, but I remember when I first found out she died I felt free more than anything.

You see my mother was abusive and controlling. As I got older, she did less and less and I ended up doing more and more until I had the sense to leave home for good. She had a way of sucking the joy out of my life and making me feel less than. A lot of it had to do with her weight and the fact that as her world got smaller she attempted to control mine.

What reminded me of all this was watching Starting Over this morning as I was getting ready for work. One of the houseguests, Allison, was talking to her mom and her mom was really working on sucking the joy out of her daughter and making her feel guilty for trying to take care of herself. When Iyanla, Allison's coach, kept saying "what do you want?!", I was screaming at the TV "LOVE! say LOVE!"

We just want to be loved with no strings attached, without having to constantly prove ourselves and our loyalty, without having to feel we can't be honest with ourselves and our emotions.

I tried to get into the Starting Over house this past summer. I went to a casting call. They didn't want me. I did hope that I'd be able to see some stories dealing with abusive mothers this season. There are currently 3 women in the house who are struggling with some sort of abusive, controlling mother. I can sure relate. I've been there.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to resolve all my stuff with my mom before she died, but part of getting things resolved is having two willing parties. Mom wasn't willing. I can't change that. Now she's gone. Where she's at she will have to deal with how she treated me, and I'm still here on earth, left to clean things up.


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