My World

Progress, a miracle

2009-12-21T07:55:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was our Christmas program at church. My little miracle was that I was able to stay in the chapel for the whole program. This is huge for me.

Eight years ago, my father died right before Christmas. His funeral was on the 20th, and the Christmas program in my mom's ward was on the 23rd. I decided that year I was not going because I couldn't stand the thought of hearing "sorry about your dad, merry Christmas."

The next year, I stayed home as well. Actually, I stayed home on the Sunday before Christmas for quite a few years. Two years ago was the first time I remember going to church that Sunday. I stayed in the foyer. Last year, I managed to stay in the chapel for part of the program. After my Primary class did their part, I went out to the foyer for the rest.

Why did I do it? Lots of reasons, really. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm an ugly crier and I don't like people seeing me cry. I think another reason is that I don't want to ruin others' happiness at this time of year.

This year was different. Because my friends and family are remembering me in their prayers to help me get through this month/season, I've been able to do things I haven't been able to do in years. I've been able to enjoy things about Christmas that in the past have reminded me of loss.

I'm extremely grateful for all the blessings and miracles that I've received during this year.

Hello December!

2009-11-30T13:09:00.005-07:00

Both my parents died in December. My father in 2001 and my mother in 2004. One just before Christmas and one just after. This time of year has been hard for me ever since.

My favorite place to pray is in my car while I'm driving. A year ago, while asking for Divine help to get through this month, the thought came to me that this is the time of year where we celebrate the greatest gift of all, yet you are focused on your losses.

That thought kept me going for about halfway through the month last year.

I was hoping that this year would be different. Yesterday was Testimony meeting at church and as I was getting ready for church, the thought came to me that I needed to bear my testimony in that meeting and that it would be different than any I had ever given. I had to do something I don't do very well or very often. I had to ask my church family for help.

Church didn't start well for me. Hearing the Christmas music during the prelude made me a little teary and I was getting my nerve up to do what I had to do. Finally my turn. I bore testimony, but before I did, I asked that my ward family remember me in their prayers during this upcoming month and why it was such a problem. I was in tears and when I sat back down, I was shaking.

I came home from church with what I call an emotional hangover. My head was pounding and my stomach a mess. After resting for a while, I noticed something. My stomach wasn't hurting and my heart felt light. For the first time in years! When I woke up this morning, I still felt that good.

Today's been a busy day at work and I have had my share of stressful moments that are work related, but I'm still feeling pretty good.

Whether it was because of the prayers, or the fact that I had to request them that caused me to feel better, I don't know. Does it really matter? The Lord knew me and what I needed and gave me the courage to ask for what I needed. I will gladly accept this lightness as long as it lasts.

Ted and Dad

2009-08-26T06:44:00.003-07:00

Late last night, they broke in to programming to announce the death of Ted Kennedy. Earlier this week on my facebook page, I did a "top 5" poll of people who I disagreed with but found intriguing. I put him on my list. I've always been intrigued by the Kennedy family dynamic and their history. I tried reading "The Fitzgeralds and the Kennedys" but it was hard to stick with (apologies to the author). What I was able to read about the grandparents to the Kennedy clan as we know it was quite interesting.

I felt that I had nothing in common with this family but admired how the women stayed so strong in the face of adversity, and the Kennedys definitely had their share.

On my "top 5" poll, I explained the reason I put Ted on the list when I couldn't find a listing for the Kennedy family. Last year, Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor called a glioma. I became a little too familiar with that when my dad developed one in 2001. My dad's prognosis was about a year, but he only lasted 3 months.

I realize that the Kennedys are grieving the loss of a loved one today. In their loss, I've been flooded with memories of my own loss from a similar diagnosis. In that respect, I guess I have something in common with the Kennedys after all.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

2009-06-20T08:03:00.003-07:00

Seeing some of my friends updating their blogs reminded me it has been a while since I wrote something here.

No excuses, just a new entry.

A really good friend of mine moved away last week. She moved to Florida. The obligatory "well, now you've got a great place to vacation" did not help. Maybe that's because I know how I am. Sure, I keep in touch for a while, but then I get so caught up in my new life without that person that they go to the back burner.

The only saving grace that I have with regard to this horrible habit is that with electronic technology, it's way easier to stay in touch. Now I've got Facebook and e-mail, where before I had to get paper and physically write a letter. Trust me, it helps. I've been able to reconnect with people I never thought I'd find again.

(I've also been able to reconnect with extended family, who have been incredibly forgiving about my withdrawing after my mom died.)

Years ago, I heard a saying that friends enter your lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Even if I'm awful at staying in touch, know that you're in my heart forever, even if you were part of my life for a short time.

The calendar says it's tomorrow but my body says it's today.

2008-12-27T21:07:00.002-07:00

I put that comment on my Facebook profile today. I know that there is someone out there who is wondering what that means.

Four years ago, I was in a hospital room, watching my mother go through the final stages of mortality. She was already gone, but her spirit had not yet left her body. For almost a week, I'd been in the hospital spending time with her, not knowing how long she would last. I knew it would happen. I did not know when.

When she finally passed away, it was around 3 in the morning. I had been talked into going to my motel room to get some sleep and to let her do what she needed to do alone, so she died alone in her room, but I know she wasn't alone. Mom was really stubborn and controlling, even to the point of waiting til I was gone for her to cross over.

Officially her date of death was December 28, but my body remembers it as the 27th, because I was with her then and watched her body shut down, knowing there was nothing I could do but let her know I would be okay.

I'm not sure I'm okay yet, but I will be. People who know me know I do not enjoy December and some of them know why. I know that better days are in store and they're called January.

The good news is that this year has been better and easier to get through. I also had an experience earlier this month as I was driving to church. The thought came into my mind that we celebrate the greatest gift of all during this time of year and yet I still go back and dwell on the losses I've experienced this time of year. Some year I will feel the hope and joy this season brings again, and have it last throughout the month.

Taking counsel from our fears

2008-11-02T21:07:00.003-07:00

This phrase has stuck in my head lately. Perhaps it's because of some of the things going on in my life and the lives of some around me.

I believe that it means that the fear has control over you and your life, instead of just being a part of your life that you deal with and keep going.

In my case, the fear I've been taking counsel from has to do with sharing a part of my past more publicly than I'm comfortable with. What would people think? What would the reaction be? Would I suddenly no longer be allowed around certain people, places or things? Would I be blackballed or ostracized?

If I did not take counsel from my fears, I might think things like can my experience be of help? Can anyone else besides me learn from it? Is this why I went through it? Can this give purpose to something that at the time seemed so meaningless and random?

I think that as things continue, I will get some answers either way or even both ways. I also think that I will stop taking counsel from this fear when the need for the information and experience I can offer becomes more important than what others might think if they knew something like this about me.

Love or hate

2008-11-01T19:56:00.003-07:00

I have learned in my life experience that when someone doesn't like you, they really don't care what you do or if you live or die.

I have also learned that if someone likes or cares about you, they do care.

Sometimes this is heavily tested. Sometimes we think people don't like us, but we find out they do when they do something to show they care. Sometimes we think people like us, but we find out that they really can't be bothered about us either way.

It hurts when we find out the ones we thought were on our side aren't really after all. It's a nice surprise to know that people you least expect are rooting for your success.

In The Little Prince, it is written "only the heart can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." This has been translated differently and I am quoting from memory so the quote may not be exact, but the message is loud and clear.

What seems like an act of dislike may actually be a great act of love and kindness. Time and a different perspective will tell.

Boo! Scary stuff!

2008-10-31T21:13:00.004-07:00

I am weird about Halloween. Some years I enjoy it and other years I just don't. This was one of those "I just don't" years.

I'm so glad to know that I can decide each year how I want to celebrate it and if I want to celebrate it.

The election will be Tuesday. I'm not sure how things are going. I've heard various theories and scenarios and outcomes. Some are pretty scary to me.

In my Toastmaster's meeting a while back, I spoke about something that usually makes me cry to think about. It was hard and I was scared, but I did it!

I've had to talk about and face uncomfortable things, things that scared me. I usually seem to get through it and find that my fears were greater than just doing the scary thing.

I recently found out I could relapse and do something I hadn't done in 15 years. The realization scared me, but I took strength in the knowledge that I had learned skills to help me not do it and I overcame it.

I think the scariest thing in my world is the thought that I could be alone for the rest of my life. I don't know how to overcome that fear, but I do know that when I live my life and keep plugging along, it seems to be less important and less scary.

Showing love

2008-10-27T20:04:00.004-07:00

Something happened this weekend that took me to a place I never thought I would visit again. It was 15 years ago, 1993, the worst year of my life. Usually I only share some of what went on that year and leave out a lot. Even my parents' deaths was not worse than the things that happened that year.

For the first time in my life I was glad that I had gone through the worst year of my life. Someone was having problems that I had and with the proper help had been able to overcome and I was able to come to her from a place of experience. At least I thought I could.

I soon realized that I was in over my head. I was not a mental health professional and she was beyond peer or experiential help. I believe she will get it.

In 1981, when I was in college, I had undiagnosed depression. There was one night that was especially horrible and I tried to make some plans I'm not proud of. I was working and after work, I knew I would have the apartment to myself. Well, I got home and my roommate had other plans. She told me that I was going out with her and another friend for Halloween and she would not take no for an answer. I was rather annoyed, but I finally went out with them. I had a great time. She may never know what she did for me that night, because all that year she thought I didn't like her. How could someone believe that after what she did for me!?

We don't always know or believe that people love us or are showing love to us when they get on our nerves and make us feel uncomfortable, or we even think they feel the opposite towards us. People who love us are out there. Sometimes we don't recognize them at the time that they show us the most love.

Weekend lessons

2008-10-04T19:45:00.004-07:00

This weekend is something that is known in the LDS church as Conference Weekend. Twice a year, in April and October, for a Saturday and Sunday, the world stops as LDS faithful find a TV or head to a church building to watch it on the satellite.

In the past, it has served as a prophetic "there, there, we can get through this" when the world is crazy and one is looking for a voice of sanity or spirituality--even if things aren't as ok as we'd like them to be. The majority of the talks today were very cognizant of the troubled times we live in and dealing with adversity.

There's a part of me that wants to say "la la la I'm not listening I don't believe you." Sadly, I know better. Getting that much prophetic warning in a few hours time does make me think. I don't think the sky is falling, but I don't think that all is well in Zion either. In fact, I was talking to a friend a while back reminiscing about when we THOUGHT we lived in troubled times. Compared to today, those times were nothing!

Rather than bury my head in the sand, I'll most likely do what I've always done. Take care of today and what I can control and set the rest aside, at least for now. Prepare, but don't obsess. Keep reading scripture and praying and trying to do the right thing. Remember that I am the one who chooses my mood and my temperment and I can choose to laugh or choose to cry.

While I can choose how I respond, I cannot choose to avoid it as tempting as that might sound.

Test

2008-09-26T08:55:00.002-07:00

There's been a lot of talk about will they or won't they. Last I heard, the debates will go on. However, it is very interesting to see how the two candidates have dealt with this.

One says "I may be a candidate, but my current job is US Senator, not Presidential candidate and my country needs me."
One says "Hey, if there's anything I can do, call me."

This is a great test of leadership.

There has been a lot of talk about looking for an excuse to get out of the debates or it's a publicity stunt. Right now there is an urgent situation going on and something must be done. I'm not sure that what they're planning is the right thing, but I pray that enough are listening so they will know the right thing to do. We can't freefall, but we can't rescue every financial mistake we've made either.

Most of the people I know who lived through something like this before are now gone, but I remember many of the stories of things they would do to make ends meet or get by. Our society has become soft lately. I hope we can learn to adapt to our new normal really quickly or we're in trouble.

Weeds

2008-09-21T20:54:00.002-07:00

I pulled some weeds yesterday and left them in a bag in the front yard so that I could finish filling the bag before trash day. Well, the wind had other ideas and sent the bag flying across to the neighbor's yard and the bag ended up across the street.

Yeah, I know it wasn't the smartest idea in the world, but then again, I didn't know that there would be a windstorm today either. It came up out of nowhere.

How many of us thought that what happened last week could happen? What does this week hold for us? Were there signs we missed? How does it relate to us here and now?

I don't know a lot of the answers to those questions, but I do know that we all live our lives one day at a time and we need to remember to find balance in our lives so that we can be whole and healthy. Maybe we can learn this from the current financial situation.

Cover Up

2008-09-20T18:36:00.002-07:00

I just found out that I was a victim of a coverup. When I bought my house, I had to replace the roof. The fascia board had been stuccoed over and the attic couldn't breathe right. This shortens the life of any roof that is put on the house. As part of the order, the roofers were supposed to remove the stucco and install proper fascia boards and vents. Well, they put the boards and vents on, but today when a friend was helping me fix some loose boards, we found out they just covered up the stucco.

This is very disheartening for the reasons above. There was a contract and I had a reasonable expectation that the service I was paying for was going to be performed in the way I had requested. Instead I got a counterfeit cover up that looked right on the outside, but inside was still not correct.

A definition of integrity is how you behave when you know nobody's looking. My house does not have the integrity that I thought it did 3 years ago.

I'd like to think that I do. Yesterday at work, I had an escalated issue and when passing it on to the person who would take over the call, she was having system problems. She told me to put in my notes that I had accidentally disconnected with the caller and she would go into a system outage mode. It took me a while to hear what she was saying. When I snapped, I told her "I'm not going to lie, I'll get someone else" and I did.

I don't share this to say "here I am, praise me for being honest." I share it to say that cover ups take many forms and sometimes you don't see them coming until it's too late.

A time to....

2008-09-19T20:48:00.003-07:00

Today my mother would have been 73. Certain days are hard for me. This was one of them. Since I usually let these things sneak up on me later in the day I thought I would try acknowledging it at the start of day. It didn't help. The workday still stunk on ice! I have a year to figure out how to deal with these days the next time.

On the upside, it IS Talk like a Pirate day! :) What kind of movies to Pirates like to see? The ones that are rated ARRRRRR!

A Toastmaster friend passed away recently. I just found out yesterday. The news rather blindsided me because he was living his dream. Of course, the dream he gets to live now is even better. He gets to be reunited with his wife who preceded him in death. I'm sure that was quite a reunion!

I know death is part of life, but it still gets to me at times.

Back to Blog

2008-09-18T20:09:00.005-07:00

After much struggling with this program, I got my blog back. I'm grateful because I've missed it. At first I thought maybe I'd outgrown it and in some ways I did. However, I also have missed writing things that may or may not matter to someone other than myself. I'm relieved that I found it.

I found myself reading some of my earlier entries. I am a different person than I was then, but on the other hand, I'm the same person, with that much more life experience.

Right now, we live in scary times. I was discussing this with some friends and have come up with a solution. Don't ignore the news completely, but treat it like aspirin. You only take one or two at a time and then let them work. Remember the serenity prayer that talks about changing the things you can, accepting the things you cannot and needing wisdom to know the difference. This is a MUST in order to survive these times. Worry about what you can control and let the rest go.

What's lost is now found

2008-09-18T11:14:00.001-07:00

I have decided that it's time to revive the old blog. More later.

a sad realization

2006-12-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, my mother left to be with my father. I had a rather sad realization this morning. I had a few spare moments and decided to clean out a drawer from a dresser that came from my grandparents' house.

I have a lot of things to go through from my family and seem to only do it a little bit at a time. Eventually those little bits will add up.

This drawer had a LOT of greeting cards that were given to my grandparents by various people, including my mother. When it comes to greeting cards, I can't fake it. If I don't feel that my family is "wonderful" or "loving" I search for a card that leaves those words out. My mother always went for the big, ornate, beautiful, extra postage required cards, whether or not she really felt the message inside. My sad realization came when I saw all those cards relegated to the same junk drawer as old golf tees, used up eyeglasses, wedding invitations where the couple may or may not still be married, and whatever else was in that drawer.

My mother's cards were shouting "see how much I love you! Please love me!" and they ended up with the same fate as everything else in the drawer. No scrapbook or place of honor for her requests to be loved, just a junk drawer.

This also reminded me of something that Rhonda Britten said a few times, about how some of us are desperate for even scraps of love, and some of the less than desirable things we do to get those scraps.

My mother was not nice to me. I just wanted her to love me and treat me decently. She never learned how because her parents never really taught her how to love and to be loved. I can't fault her for something she never learned, but I can be sad about it. And I am.

Thankful?

2006-11-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago, I was at my grandparents' house. Gpa was in a nursing home because of a serious stroke. Gma had Alzheimer's and we found that out the hard way. The original plan was to move them both around Christmastime. While I was there, my parents made the decision to speed up the move and get them back to California because it wasn't safe for Gma to live alone.

That was when my Gma almost ran me over with the car and it was the beginning of my immediate family "going away".

Two years ago Thanksgiving weekend was when I got the word that Mom was in the ICU with pneumonia and had a stroke. Five years ago, I had the last Thanksgiving I would have with both my parents, not knowing that my father would be dead less than a month later.
I'm not the kind of person who goes around looking for these things. In fact, I try to not look for these things, but they sneak up on me anyway.

A few months ago, I found out that I have PTSD. While I'm still trying to figure out what that means, I think it has a lot to do with why some of these days and weeks are so hard for me.

In spite of this, I do have something that I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that I still have a chance to live. It's a lot different than I'd ever imagined it to be, but I still have the chance to make my life worth something, to figure out who I am and what I want to be, and to just plain be.

Haunted by words

2006-11-19T19:09:00.000-07:00

My mother was someone who chose her words carefully and meant every one of them. My father would blow up say something stupid and forget what he'd said after he calmed down.

Here is my problem. Lately, I'm being haunted by something my mother said to me. "The biggest mistake I ever made was letting you go to [university] because you learned how to stand up for yourself."

I WANT to let this go, but just wanting to isn't enough. The implications of this are huge. If I were to understand what she said, she said that she regretted my becoming an independent, somewhat responsible adult. She would have been happier if I were a miserable blob only around to take care of her I guess. I don't know.

I'm not sure why this is bothering me so much. I wish it were easier to be able to let it go and forgive her for her ill-conceived words. (Some day I will do that) I also think that if she really believed what she said, she didn't think very much of me. Nobody wants to think their parents feel that way about them!

One one hand she would tell me how she couldn't understand why I was so hard on myself and on the other hand she'd be telling me how inept she thought I was, or just not good enough. I do want to be able to be free of the pain this brings. I guess wanting it is the first step.

Absence

2006-11-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

I got so involved in living my life, that I didn't take the time to sit and write about it. Some was good, some not so much.

However, the ongoing theme was that good or bad, I got through it.

One of the sadder markings of time is that 10 years ago was the beginning of the end of my family as I knew it on this earth. My grandfather's stroke was in the fall of 1996. I spent Thanksgiving with my grandmother and it turned into an extended trip to move her back to California. Two Thanksgiving weekends ago was when I got the word from the hospital that my mother was there in poor condition.

That could have something to do with me deciding to get back to the familiar with the blog and also wanting to scream and spend like crazy.

Someone from church was kind enough to invite me over for T-day, but I'm sure all this other stuff will be somewhere in the back of my mind.

Chipmunks and a bad road

2006-08-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

I had to go to Edgewood this morning. I've had a lot on my mind lately and appreciated the drive. I appreciated it so much that I decided to take the long way home. I went up to Sandia Crest. Since the day was cloudy, there wasn't a terrific view of the city. The other side had a nice vista.

However, as I was walking the trail, I noticed a few chipmunks here and there. A couple had a dog with them who was engrossed in the chipmunks. After they left, I stood completely still and starting making a tsking noise. Some of the chipmunks got brave and came within a few inches of me before scampering back to safety. One kept coming back and made it all the way to my shoe before he ran off. He did it twice. It was a neat experience to see these chipmunks knowing I would do them no harm and having them get close to me to check me out.

On the way home, I found out there's a road that goes to Placitas instead of coming back the way I came. Well, it may be a numbered highway according to the state, but it's only a road in the loosest sense of the word!

I decided that I would go as far as I could. Part of me was saying that this was crazy and dangerous and I should go back to the familiar path. However, I drive an SUV and have done nothing SUV-ish since I bought the car and decided to keep going. The views were phenomenal! The road was insane, but I really was having fun managing the road.

I almost felt like I was channelling my grandfather who had a bad habit of taking cars where trucks might be safe going, taking trucks where you could possibly take a jeep and taking the jeep--OMG! and it brought back some fun memories, in addition to being in the mountains among the pines. My grandparents lived in Prescott, Arizona for many years and they lived in the mountains among the pines. It smelled great up there, you could hear the breezes going through the pines. You could look out from their home and see mountains of pine trees. That and some good music playing in the background made the experience complete.

An interesting day.

what a week!

2006-08-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, actually it's more like what a month! The last time I was at my doctor's appointment, she mentioned she was taking a job and quitting her practice. I didn't deal with that very well.

I've since found out that things have changed and she won't be stopping her practice after all. Of course look at the month I wasted worrying about having to separate and get used to a new doctor!

Yesterday I had a birthday. It's the first birthday in a long time I felt like I could truly enjoy, both with the company of friends and with myself. Sure there are shades of "don't take up space" that still creep in, but when I remind myself that I released that horrid thought, I'm better able to enjoy attention on me (to a point).

Something came up today. I hadn't ever considered it but some things I mentioned about why I felt I was stalled in my weight loss, what happened the last time I felt like that, etc. I said that I felt like my fat had memories that would come up as I lost the weight and that I had trouble dealing with the stuff as it came up. Some/most of them were not pleasant memories, but stressful things I'd experienced that my mind seemed to try to keep me from remembering.

Things that I mentioned as if everybody had those experiences, she told me clearly were not. Apparently some of the "not so pretty" things in my life have created some post traumatic stress. I wasn't intentionally minimizing these things, just trying to explain them so that I could understand them.

I realize that the mind and body cannot go through hard stuff unscathed. I don't feel as if the information makes me a victim. Clearly the opposite. I feel that now that this has a name, I can learn from it and work with it and deal with it because I can identify it. That's empowering!

cleansing by fire

2006-07-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

I have to share about my doctor's appointment today. I've been feeling a lot better (except that the summer heat's kicking my butt!) and when I was not feeling as well I did something. It started out with a feeling I had long held that there were 2 sets of rules in the world--everybody else's and mine.

I decided to take some index cards and write down those rules. It evolved into any irrational and negative thought or belief I held or felt. I took my time doing this. I had a pretty huge stack when I was done. It was so great to get them out of my head. I literally felt like by putting them on paper, I was getting them out of my head so I wouldn't start thinking about them again.

My original plan was to post them on a wall where I could see them and realize their ridiculousness. Then I was going to put them in a paper shredder and dispose of them. However, the cards had a post-it type backing and I decided that shredding wasn't the best idea because the sticky would gum up the shredder blades.

I took those cards and presented them to my doctor, explaining that I was through with them and I was giving them away, getting rid of them. She thought this was cool and looked through them. I would see her get a disgusted look on her face and thought she was upset with me, however, it was the thoughts that were upsetting her, but she was excited that I was ready to part with them.

She asked me if I would consider burning them. We went outside and while it took a while to get the fire going, I burned every last one of those horrid thoughts. It felt SO good to be free of them. It was actually a cleansing, cathartic moment. I started with the one I've struggled the most with "Don't take up space." I know that I'm worthy of living and not just surviving and that I have just as much of a right to get what I need as anybody else. Burning that one first and using it to start the rest of those cards on fire was kind of symbolic for me. I can't even remember the other one that I "did something special" with, but it had to do with my mother and I ripped that baby up into a million pieces before adding it to the fire.

Inside my head, I thought something like "I surrender these thoughts because I know they're not true and that I deserve better" but outwardly I said something less ceremonial, like "let's get rid of these things once and for all!"

I can't tell you how differently I felt this afternoon having gotten rid of those cards and what they represented. I didn't think it would impact me the way it did.

Lest anybody think I was a reckless firebug, we poured 2 cups of water on the ashes before throwing the mess away.

Sunday thoughts

2006-07-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of people that I know that are hurting right now. A friend is coping with the recent death of a colleague. A lady at my church is watching her son in critical condition after a motorcycle accident. As of today, it's still unclear if he will survive. Those who know these people are struggling watching people they care about hurting, and in some cases aren't sure what to do to help.

The answer is rather simple. Love them. Pray for them. Pray with them if they are willing. Listen to them. Love them.

Okay, I said the answer was simple. I didn't say it was easy. Some don't think they want to be loved. Some don't know how they want to be loved right now. Others are just trying to keep it all together, either for themselves or for their family.

Having been through a few trying times myself, I still can't say "I know just how you feel", but I can say "I know how it feels to hurt. I know the pain that loss can give you. I know how it feels to have a loved one hover between life and death and not be sure what to do. I know you don't think you can get through this right now, but I was able to get through it and I know you can too."

The Bargaining

2006-07-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Marianne's been going through the loss of a dear friend and I'm still struggling with some of my losses over the past few years.

I guess this all started last week when she was asking about the stages of grief (as described by Kubler-Ross= denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance) and asked what bargaining was. The easiest answer is "if you let them live I'll do anything." But I think it's a bit more than that, especially since it comes so late in the process. I've noticed my thoughts going to a place where I keep asking, "did I do everything possible for this person?" or "Was there anything else I could or should have done?" I think that's a little bit of the bargaining as well, because you're doing a lot of questioning about what happened. By the time you enter this stage, enough time has passed that you can think a bit more clearly about the events without being so caught up in the emotions.

I think that once I realize that yes I did do everything possible and there wasn't anything else I could or should have done, I will arrive at the next step.

Do the Math

2006-06-25T18:57:00.000-07:00

I had an opportunity to hear a presentation given by Joyce and Dennis Ashton about grieving. In Joyce Ashton's message, one of the first things out of her mouth was that it can take 18-24 months or longer to find your "new normal."

I've been thinking a lot about these last 9 years. I'm an only child and an only grandchild on my mother's side. My grandparents lived well into their 80's and my parents both died a couple months after turning 70. My grandfather died in 1997. My grandmother in 1999. Dad died in 2001 and Mom died in 2004. When I do the math, using this 18-24 months or longer system, perhaps I will have found a new normal by 2008.

Okay, so maybe it won't take that long, but when I did the math, I realized that everything I've been going through these last several years are part of my quest to find a new normal. I still don't think I'm there yet, but at least I know there's no more immediate family left to die. Okay, that sounds really strange, but I don't mean it in the weird way. I mean it in the way that states that my world has probably been rocked as much as it can be for now.

The Ashton's wrote a book on grief called "Jesus Wept." http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1555175627/qid=1151286983/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-8038213-5963816?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

It talks about grieving from an LDS perspective and explains that it's okay to grieve losses, because even Jesus wept when he heard that his friend Lazarus had died. I started reading the book after my dad died, but never got through it due to my having to drop everything to take care of my mother. The book is in a box somewhere and as I have resumed my unpacking since my move and I'm starting to put things in a place they belong, I'm sure I'll find the book again and will get back into reading it.

fear of unknown

2006-06-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking for some time about how my company offers work from home positions. I always felt I wasn't that type--that I needed a place to go, that I needed to be around other people, etc.

Today I found out that they want everybody there to become work at home. In fact, the office as we know it will be closing in a couple months and become exclusively a work at home environment.

I have about one week to decide if I really want to try working from home or if I should look for work elsewhere.

Of course the thought scares me spitless. Not just the responsibility, but the ownership and the thought of having my workplace in my house.

I honestly don't know if I can do this. I'm not completely convinced I want to try. However, if I decide to try for it and it doesn't work out, the worst that could happen would be I'd have to find another job. If I don't try it, I still have to find another job.

come out of hiding

2006-06-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I like the fact that my blog goes out to whoever wants to read it. Normally people journal for themselves and any family that may come after them. In my case, there really isn't any family that will come after me as I do not have children.

This is my way of sharing with anybody who chooses to read.

I like the slight bit of anonymity, but on the other hand, I like that I feel I can be more myself.

Tonight in my Toastmasters meeting, I really shared a lot about myself. I probably shared more than I would under a normal circumstance, but it felt safe and it felt okay. I don't always feel that way, so when those times do come, it's nice to act on it.

Maybe if when I am able to be myself some of the time, it will make it easier for me to be myself all of the time in the future.

Mental health

2006-06-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

After all the stress and stuff going on the last couple days, apparently I'd had enough because I had to take today off.

It felt so good to take care of myself today. It's really too bad that declaring a "mental health day" has such a bad rap from people using it to play hooky, because that's pretty much what I have to do in order to take care of myself. When you live with chronic illness, many times sick days ARE mental health days.

I took a nap, watched something really good on tv, went grocery shopping, watered the flowers and did some housework. I did things that would take care of myself.

I know it's hard to believe. I actually did some housework. It doesn't look like I did very much, but it doesn't have to. It's a start towards getting my house in order so that I can make it more of a home for me.

frustration

2006-06-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

So my blogger signed me out and it took forever for me to get back in. Why am I not surprised? Today was a HARD day. Yesterday was a HARD day.

Yesterday I went to church and while I was there, a seam just popped out of my dress. I had been so excited that I could wear it and that it fit. Unfortunately the last time I wore it, it was a bit tight and the damage had already been done.

Today was my first day back on the phones at work since being off for 3 months. I returned to work right after Memorial day, but they gave me 2 weeks to get caught up before throwing me to the sharks.

I've felt very stressed and frustrated all day today. It would have been SO EASY to call in sick today. I felt like I was going from one panic attack to the next. It never eased up and I decided I was going to have to work through it.

The sad part is that I really used to like what I do for a living. I'm not sure if this is the depression putting up a last gasp or if this is a sign that I need to move on.

I do see the doctor on Thursday and perhaps she'll have some insight to what's going on with me.

The journey

2006-05-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting how little control I have over the journeys in my life. There have been things that I have clearly chosen with regard to my life. However, there are other aspects of my life that have more often than not chosen me.

I'm not aimless. I do have goals in life. However things happen and I find that my talents are better needed elsewhere. In some ways it's frustrating, but in other ways it's a good experience because I end up learning things I would not learn if I'd stuck to my original plan.

Goals are great, but being open to what life offers is also a good thing.

Numbers

2006-05-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago, after decided that I was no longer in scale denial, I bought a scale. I bought it at Target online and searched through the descriptions to see if there was a max weight listed. There wasn't, and the picture led me to believe that it could handle larger weights. Well, when I received the scale, I found out it did have a max weight listed on the box.

That means that when you step on it and you're over that max weight, you get an error message.

Today was the first day that I got numbers on the scale instead of an error message. Yeah, I'm just a bit excited.

Actually, something interesting happened last night after my Toastmasters meeting. I haven't been telling people that I've been working on my weight. I was in a parking lot, and someone penned me in when they parked. In the past, I'd release the parking brake and push the car out to where I could get in easily. (Even a RAV4 can push pretty easily) I went to the passenger side of the car, put my purse and organizer in, then went to the driver's side and squeezed my way in to the car with only a little difficulty.

I was SO EXCITED that I backed up all the way to where Marianne was and said (not caring who heard me) "Did you see that? Thirty pounds ago there was no way I could have done that!"

Okay, so my dirty little secret is out, but I was so caught up in the excitement of the moment that I didn't care.

Sunny Bear

2006-05-24T10:43:00.000-07:00

Besides being in cardiac rehab, Dad did peer visiting at the hospital for Mended Hearts (www.mendedhearts.org). The nurses at the hospital LOVED him!

When he was hospitalized because of the brain tumor, these nurses in rehab and in the heart wing would come and visit Dad on their breaks. One of the rehab nurses brought him a beanie buddy called Sunny. Sunny is a pretty yellow bear with the cute face. Dad, of course, thought it was sweet that they were thinking of him, but kept telling me that I could take Sunny home and that I could have him.

I decided he needed a buddy so I'd leave it with him until he had his surgery. At that time, we retrieved all his stuff and took it home. Well, his friends at the hospital would have nothing of Dad being bearless. Once he was out of ICU, on one of my visits, I saw a new bear in Dad's room. This one was called Periwinkle. He was blue. For some reason, Dad was okay with having the blue bear because he never told me to take it home. I guess the blue bear was more manly than the sunny yellow one. After Dad died, Mom kept Periwinkle and I had Sunny.

I just was going through some of my things today, trying to get some cleaning, organizing, and unpacking done. I found Sunny! I just sat and held her for a while and I felt happy. It made me smile remembering the look on Dad's face when these sweet nurses kept bringing him, of all things, stuffed animals, and how the blue one was okay for him to keep but not the yellow one.

The parable of the butterfly

2006-05-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

Last night at my Toastmasters meeting, we had a chance to hear and give feedback to a friend who is in the 2nd to last round of the world championship of public speaking.

In his speech, he uses the example of "helping" a butterfly emerge from its cocoon only to have disabled it to the point of death. I'm sure many of us have heard the story and can glean some meaning from it.

Marianne responded rather oddly. She said "I hate that story. Not because of the meaning but because of the butterfly dying." I asked her "have you seen what happens when it's done to humans?"

Lisa, a 40 year old woman who appeared on Starting Over earlier this year was a product of her parents helping her to the point of disability. Extensive effort was made to encourage her change. She was almost kicked out of the house. However, she did learn how to become a somewhat responsible adult.

There have been times in my life where I felt like someone has helped me to the point of disability. I think that could have explained part of why I went into such a tailspin after my mother died. I was trying so hard to show how mature and responsible I was and failing miserably at it. I resented her controlling nature, but once it was gone, it was hard for me to find my own way. I was in a freefall emotionally. Thankfully I'm working my way back to what I feel I should be, but it's not easy. Parents are to guide, not control.

I found a poem I'd heard before that also applies to all this. It was written by Carol Lynn Pearson. I found it on a quotation site when I googled Ms. Pearson's name.

The Lesson

Yes, my fretting,
Frowning child,
I could cross
The room to you
More easily.

But I’ve already
Learned to walk,
So I make you
Come to me.
Let go now—
There!You see?

Oh, remember
This simple lesson,
Child,And when
In later years
You cry out
With tight fists

And tears—
“Oh, help me,
God—please.”—
Just listen
And you’ll hear

A silent voice:
I would, child,
I would.
But it’s you,
Not I,
Who needs to try
Godhood.”

normalcy

2006-04-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as normalcy? I'm not sure because it's been a while since I've lived there if it does indeed exist.

However, I do have a huge monkey off my back with the fact that the Toastmasters conference is done! (short of a few minor accounting details and the celebration) In many ways I enjoyed it. I loved having team members that I could trust to put in charge of a task and know it would be done. I really stretched my confidence muscles!!

I was able to handle the "need to improve" criticism without taking it personally and I was able to accept the "good job" compliments without getting too squeamish. That, my friends, is growth!

I made a decision that the conference would happen whether I was calm or stressed, so I might as well enjoy myself!

It was even suggested by one person that going into event planning might be a good career choice. I never really had the faith that I could do something like that even though I thought it was a cool idea. However, I've loved assisting others in event planning and I do have the ability to remain calm in crisis situations. Maybe when I "grow up" I might want to do some event planning. If not, I know it is an ability that I've learned and gotten to use in my lifetime.

Spring Garden

2006-04-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I went garden shopping. Of course my shopping is not complete as I will explain. What I did is get some things that I really want to go in my garden space.

Today was my first day to get out there and see what is out there. I have to make an assessment and see what is still viable from last year and what is beyond repair and needs to be replaced. I'm going to need to see what condition the soil's in and start getting weeds out so that what I want to plant can and will thrive.

The process will not take place overnight. It's going to take constant work and constant care to make sure that what I plant holds up.

Kind of how I need to be working on me: taking inventory, checking on my condition, and making sure that I take care of myself.

too much wind

2006-04-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

All this time I thought the wind was supposed to happen in March. Someone forgot to tell the wind. It looked nice out and I was actually thinking about doing some yardwork to clean out the remaining dead plants and dead growth from winter.

I ended up doing some clipping and pruning and running back in the house before I could retrieve the clippings because the wind was so bad I couldn't see what needed pruning.

It probably didn't help that the first I felt like doing anything was about 5pm. However, that is a quirk of me right now (being ambitious late in the day) and as I get back into doing things that need to be done or things I enjoy doing, I'm sure I'll be more willing to get out and do them earlier in the day.

I know that there are certain conditions my doctor has for my return to work and that I haven't met them yet, but I'm actually starting to think that I'll want to meet them before long.

overwhelming

2006-04-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

It's weird spending so much time feeling overwhelmed and unable to do anything, or at least feeling unable to do anything.

Fortunately I only have to do one thing at a time. The trick is actually doing that one thing instead of sitting around complaining that I have too much to do.

no foolin'

2006-04-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and to my astonishment, I was at a nice healthy weight.

Okay, so that really didn't happen but it sounded good and since today is April fool's day, I thought I'd try it.

The truth is that I am trying to take better care of myself. Sometimes I succeed. The bummer is that my emotions are all over the place and I'm still trying to adjust to my treatments.

I question my worth and my value constantly and I know that some of it is not healthy for me. I will try to do better and not be so hard on myself.

watch the birdie

2006-03-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

This morning I looked out the window into the backyard and I saw this bird hopping around. Upon closer inspection, I saw it was clearly a robin. This bird was grabbing things from the ground and when it looked up, I saw it was looking for nesting material.

I tried to see where it went. I think it may have been building on my back neighbor's tree. I'll have to do some inspecting when I get out there to get the flower boxes revived from winter.

la la monday monday

2006-03-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

It was a nice, quiet day. Except for the wind and allergies kicking my butt. However, the rest of the day was rather quiet.

I had another one of those days where I really wanted to be productive, then I fell back asleep and when I woke back up the urge went away.

There is good news for me though. I've been making some efforts to eat better, and while I was living on takeout for a while, the last takeout I ordered was Saturday night. I've not been all that motivated to actually cook real food yet, but at least I've been relying less on foods that are not in my best interest right now.

I've also decided that my days of scale denial are going to be coming to an end very soon. It's not that I fear the numbers or that I let the numbers play with my mind, because I don't. It's more like I was avoiding any tools that gave me accountability and I'm trying to bring some of those back.

busy weekend

2006-03-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

First a housekeeping item. This morning I received a sweet e-mail from a certain blog-lurker with the corrected quote that was used in his speech. He said: I believe the phrasing was “Miz, you are the finest version of Miz we shall ever meet in this lifetime!” (of course I'm substituting my real name for my blog name)

I admit that I couldn't remember the exact wording, but I sure remember the feeling, and the message was something I needed at that very time. All this time since yesterday I'd been trying to figure out how to ask the question on my mind (How did he know?) and getting up the nerve to ask him and the answer came to me.

Now for a strange coincidence. I watch (or record and watch) a show called Starting Over, abount women who, with the assistance of two life coaches and a psychologist, work towards changing their lives. There is a woman on the show, Kim, whose story is full of abandonment, neglect and abuse. Last week, they brought her mother out to do some work with her. At first I was engrossed in the story and didn't think anything of it. The longer the mother (Melinda) was on, the more I realized there was something familiar about her. When I finally put it all together, I realized I'd worked with her about 13 years ago when I lived in Denver. I never had any clue what was going on in her life at that time. It really wasn't appropriate to the relationship. I remember when her father died, which she talked about when sharing her part of the story, but after hearing "the rest of the story", the reason I didn't know the other details was because again, it would have been inappropriate to the relationship.

I have to say I was quite floored when I made the realization. Not in a bad way. More in a compassionate way. You see, the reason I even crossed paths with Melinda was because in 1993, I was going through a lot of pain. I changed my schedule to work a night shift to make it easier to schedule appointments and such. She worked nights because it was a second job for her. We ended up sitting together, talking about stuff, but mostly superficial things such as the last call we took, or what sounded good for dinner. I did not feel it appropriate to discuss my pain and neither did she.

At this point, if she remembered me and we were to talk, I'd probably ask her how things turned out and how she is doing now.

This has been quite a full weekend I must say. The other interesting thing was a phone conversation I had today with a mentor. I was reminded that I really do need to take better care of myself. I said that I was taking baby steps and wasn't sure which area to take the next step. He said both food and exercise. He was compassionate when I mentioned my medication problems and relieved that I was doing better since the switch. I honestly wish I could have spent much more time talking, but it was not appropriate to do so at that time.

Perhaps more is happening because my awareness has improved. Perhaps it's just a happy coincidence. Perhaps it really doesn't matter.

what a difference

2006-03-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

After spending several days in hell, I finally decided it was time to call the doctor. I let her know what was going on and could I PLEASE increase the dosage before I saw her next week.

I can't tell you the difference that a small change made literally overnight. I'm still not where I know I can be, but I am responding well to the changes so far.

I am a Toastmaster. Today I was the toastmaster (MC) for one of the speech contests. I'm glad that I was feeling better because I could put my heart and soul into doing this job instead of merely going through the motions. One of the speech contests is the preliminaries for the World Champion of Public Speaking. One of the contestants gave the most interesting speech. This is someone that I have gotten to know through these few years I've been involved with Toastmasters and have enjoyed listening to what he's said.

Suddenly in the middle of his speech, he looked at me, called me by name and said "you are the best you that you can be." He was using other audience members for his examples as well, but this was something I needed to hear today.

I know that Marianne's said it to me before, but that's somehow different. This WAS different. It was as if he was inspired that I really needed to hear that message at that very moment. I still need to be reminded, but as my medication's being corrected and I'm starting to feel like myself again, it couldn't have come at a better time.

creating time

2006-03-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

I spent the good part of today making jewelry. It's something tactile and creative but it doesn't require a lot of attention to detail.

It's something that I can use for upcoming events, prizes, gifts, whatever. I think that right now, it's more important that I make it than what I'm making it for.

While I'm no medical professional so I cannot judge the timing, I'm beyond ready for the doctor to take the next steps. The only upside to feeling like this is that I don't have to work, which means I have more time for creative pursuits that I enjoy.

shoulda known better

2006-03-12T16:17:00.000-07:00

I really should know better than to blog when I feel like this.

I feel dumb for risking and failing.

I'll be quiet for now.

not good enough

2006-03-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm trying to get my meds corrected. It's taking time. In the meantime, life goes on and I try to make plans for my future. It's hard when I can hardly see past today to think long term.

Not only that, I have to relanguage and repattern and re a lot of stuff in my life. Some of those old tapes are getting louder now that I don't have the defense of my medication. Some of them are getting louder because the same things keep happening over and over again. In some things I've been well taught and it's been so well engrained in me that I don't matter, my best effort isn't good enough, I'm not good enough, there is a separate (harder) set of rules for me than the rest of the world, etc.

The saddest part is that even though I keep hearing that I'm not good enough, what I'm hoping is really being said is that I'm not ready.

I feel that I probably haven't learned enough, or I'm not bold enough, or I'm not strong enough, or I'm not enough. I want to think that's garbage but right now I don't know what to believe.

Until I'm stronger, can someone play the appropriate tape that I can't even name right now really loud so that we can drown out the other tapes?

heart and soul

2006-03-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

My father was a heart patient for a large portion of his life. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I've been experiencing a side effect to one of my medications. This particular medication is elevating my heartrate.

I had a strange occurrence yesterday. Just walking to the mailbox and back (it's a cluster box across the street from my house) made me as winded as if I'd done a full blown workout.

I will say that I've had a lot of opportunity to think. I'm far from in shape. I'm far from my ideal weight. I knew the time would come that I would have to do something about it. Having this heart scare these last few days has reminded me how important it is to take care of myself in every way possible.

I promise I won't be a born-again dieter. I don't diet. However, I do know that it's time to make some serious changes in my life and lifestyle. They won't all come at once. That's crazy! However, I am definitely doing something instead of saying that now's not the time. Now IS the time for me.

help or hurt

2006-02-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

It seems that too many things in life that are supposed to help us and up hurting us. They come up with these wonderful medications that are supposed to cure illness, but cause more problems in the way of side effects. Some decide they don't care because the desired result is worth more to them than the possible pain.

Others don't even try because of what could happen to them.

I think that the ideal lies somewhere in the middle.

I went through some hurtful things because I wanted a mom. I could have stayed angry and alone. Had I known more, I may have been stronger and able to find that middle ground.

sporadic

2006-02-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

My postings have been rather sporadic lately. Besides being glued to the tv watching the olympics, I've been dealing with some health issues.

It's one thing to choose not to do something because you don't want to. It's another to be told you can't do something. Up until my heartrate went out of control high, I would say "I'm choosing not to exercise because I don't want to."

Now I'm saying, "doggone it! I want to exercise but I can't until my heartrate goes back down."

I don't think it's the love of exercise that's making me feel this way, but being told that I can't do something, whether or not I really want to do it.

an open letter to Lindsey Jacobellis

2006-02-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

Lindsey, what were you thinking?

Seriously, you're at the greatest race of your life, way ahead of the competition, gold is on the line. I'd love to know what was going through your head.

Was it your youth that caused you to get sidetracked and make that jump? Was it a way of relieving tension? Perhaps you thought that if you didn't win the gold, they'd leave you alone and let you snowboard in peace?

I don't know why, and I'm still not sure that you know all the reasons why. I saw you just stand there, stunned, after realizing that playfulness cost you the race and the gold medal.

The best thing you can do at this point is forgive yourself, write it off to experience, and don't waste your talent. You'll probably catch some grief from your fellow athletes after they know you're okay about it. Eventually, the press will move on to another subject. In fact, they may already have by now.

There's always new races and prettier medals out there. Hope to see you in four years at the Vancouver games.

Teary ice

2006-02-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, it was an enjoyable evening of skating tonight. Everybody made some sort of mistake and I'm not sure that I'm crazy about the new scoring system.

However, the final skater, Takahashi of Japan made me cry. It had nothing to do with his skating, but his choice of music. That was my mother's favorite piece of music. She played it when Dad died, she wanted it played at her funeral (which it was), and when I was with her in the hospital room, I snuck a CD player in there and played it several times. I haven't been able to listen to it since. I started to run out of the room when I heard it start, but I stayed and listened and watched the skater.

It's been hard to listen to Rachmaninoff's 2nd piano concerto ever since last year. Even an edited version to accomodate a skating program.

The other thing that stinks is that I'd get the program about 2 hours before she did and this is a night that I'd call and tell her she really wants to be watching about that time of the night.
I also would have been able to call her and find out that one skater was using Warsaw Concerto as his music (I believe his name was Sam from Canada). I was struggling with the name of that music until it just now came to me.

Drama on Ice

2006-02-14T21:11:00.000-07:00

There was a couple last night from China, Zhang and Zhang (no relation) that tried to make history. They were attempting a throw quad salchow. This is where the man "throws" the lady and she does the salchow jump with 4 revolutions. Sadly she missed. Not only did she miss, she missed badly. She ended up twisting her knee and landing right on it plus sliding into the boards.

After giving her some time to check herself and after the trainer checked her out, she decided to go back out there. The rule is to pick up the program where you left off. It was beautiful! They did all their other twirls, spins, jumps, etc. In the end, they wound up with a silver medal. It was amazing to watch this. It was fun watching them cool off and wait for their scores as a trainer ran to her and wrapped and iced her knee, and she seemed oblivious to the whole thing.

They didn't make history this Olympics, but they did get back up, pick up where they left off, and they finished. They did their best.

This is my question for thought tonight: Is it better to try and miss, or play it safe and succeed?

Ice drama

2006-02-12T22:34:00.000-07:00

I was rather sad to hear that Michelle Kwan dropped out of the Olympics due to injury.

However, I'm happier that she did it now than when it would be too late to call in a replacement.

Injuries are rough. When you're injured, you rely on neighboring muscles to make up for the deficit and sometimes that will cause those other muscles to strain. Whether this was a new injury or a reinjury, it's hard to work around.

I have to give her credit. She said in interviews that she told the committee when she petitioned for a spot on the Olympic team that if she was not 100%, she would bow out. When she got hurt again, consulted with medical professionals and realized she wasn't going to be 100%, she kept her word.

That's called integrity and that's worth more than any medal.

Olympics

2006-02-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

I have had a bit of an off week. I couldn't figure out why until yesterday. That's part of why I didn't blog yesterday. This is my first Olympics without any family around. Usually a day of watching would consist of me calling Mom and telling her about what time to tune in for what I knew she wanted to see, or after we'd both seen something, we'd chat over the phone about what we saw, if it was dumb or cool, if it was fair or unfair, etc.

I know I'm going to watch things I don't normally get to watch (curling anyone?) and things that just amaze me (ski jumping) and things I love to watch (figure skating) and things that are just plain cool (hockey, speed skating, etc.).

I'll still enjoy it, but it will be hard not to reach for that phone and that part makes me sad.

Truth in advertising

2006-02-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

I went to Long John Silvers tonight. I was craving a good salad and remembered how good their shrimp and seafood salad is. I got to the drive up to place my order. "oh no, we don't have salads" the employee responded. I explained that I was looking right at their menu and it was there plain as day. She said "we only have stuff like that in the summer, I guess we'll have to take that sign down."

She didn't care that I wasn't getting what I wanted, what they were still advertising. She thought it rather odd that I was even asking for it, as if it were MY fault they weren't updating their menus properly.

In my life, there are times I send messages I don't mean to. We all do it. It could be something as simple as refusing to take your calls or return your messages, or dressing inappropriately, or pretending everything's fine when I know that it's not.

I'm not suggesting that I walk around with a cloud over my head on the days that I'm in a bad mood, but what I know is that I need to be more honest in how I'm feeling...and that Long John Silver's needs to fix their menu with or without salads.

Freak Out!

2006-02-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit it. I'm freaking out. Any time I get put in a position of responsibility, I tend to freak. That's the only way I can describe it. I want to be in a place that I am respected and valued, yet am constantly in fear that neither will happen. I want things to work smoothly, even a semblance of order would be nice. Perhaps that others in the group have a modicum of passion, or better yet, compassion?

I feel so alone when I have to do these things. I know that there are people who care and want me to succeed. I know that generally, the average person won't have a clue of the hell I end up going through to get something together and hope it's presentable. I try to let go and let things happen, but the judgments creep in--from somewhere inside me. I do come by it naturally, after all I was trained well. My mother refused to let me think I was good at something, yet would always wonder to me why I was so hard on myself. Not knowing what Mom was doing, Dad would tell me how wonderful I was and wonder why I didn't see it.

Sure, not everything's my parents' fault. I know that. What I don't know is how to turn off those judgments that keep sneaking in. I don't know why I even acknowledge them as valid.

I got a good Rhonda Britten quote in my e-mail. It's from her book Fearless Living and it hit me as I was thinking about these things.

"When our expectations are a primary factor in the way we think, speak, and listen, disappointment becomes a way of life. Expectations seem to change with each individual situation, yet in the end, it is just our fear manifesting itself in endless ways."

Here's the $64,000 question: How do I reduce the import of my expectations?

sleep

2006-02-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

Sleep is a good thing. Sleep is a bad thing. Sleep just is.

Sleep is good because that's when the body repairs the damage we did to it during the day. It's important to get a certain amount of sleep. While we're sleeping, sometimes we dream. The dreams are the mind's way of trying to make sense of what's going on in our lives. Sometimes the dreams carry messages that we need to know.

Like every other good thing in our lives, sleep can be overused and abused. If we go too long without it, our bodies will crash and demand sleep. If we want to escape something, sleep can be used to escape feeling.

Last night, it took me a while to get to sleep. It happens periodically. I have some tricks that I use to get to sleep when it escapes me and after about an hour of trying the tricks, I did finally get to sleep.

This morning, it was hard to stay awake. I tried. I really tried, but I could not stay awake. I didn't oversleep to the point that it would be hard to sleep tonight, but I did go back to bed after the alarm woke me up.

Right now, whether I'm doing escape sleep or sleeping because I'm tired doesn't matter to me. It's not on my list of priorities. The fact is that when I sleep I am taking care of myself.

time

2006-02-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

They say that time heals all wounds. I don't necessarily feel healed by time, but I know that the distance does help put perspective on things.

Ninety two years ago today, my Gpa was born. Somewhere in a moving box is a history of him that my aunt (his younger sister) made. It's a nice biography and talks about some things that didn't surprise me about my Gpa but I thought they were really neat.

Gpa had limited education, his father having died when he was young. Gpa was the oldest so it fell upon him to help support his family. His mother was an artist, but so was Gpa. Not only an artist but also a craftsman. He was even an inventor. Nothing in the patent office bears his name, but he came up with things that someone else down the line did patent.

I was their only grandchild and I was blessed to have him in my life 35 years. This summer it will have been 10 years since he died. I still miss him. It's not quite as raw as with my parents, partly because I had my dad to help get me through losing my grandparents.

My grandparents were better at being grandparents than they were parents to my mother. However, that is not my fault, nor is it my mother's fault. It's just how it was.

Saturday

2006-02-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling like I could be productive today, so I went back to bed until the feeling went away.

I'm just kidding. I couldn't think of anything to talk about. I did waste my Saturday, but I'm going to blame it on my foot.

I know when I was at the doctor's yesterday, in addition to being pleased with the way I'm responding to the latest changes in my treatment, we talked about burning out. You see, this is a busy time of year in health care because people are getting used to their new plans. My employer's solution is to require everybody to work overtime. Problem is, I'm not handling it very well. I am not in danger of burnout, but I'm also not adjusting to the extra hours. Either I end up not able to work them or not able to go back the next day.

Of course with each week that may change (the need for the OT and my ability or inability to work it).

my right foot

2006-02-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how badly my foot/ankle was hurt, but I do know one thing. I should not have worn my nikes yesterday.

Strange how we think we know what's good for us, to the point of being insistent, stubborn, willful, etc. Then when we do act on our own, we find out just how little we do know of what's best for us.

It's an ongoing journey and what may have been correct yesterday may not be right today. We have to adapt and adjust to an ever changing and challenging world. Okay, I have to do it.

I read a great quote in the paper today. The New Mexico taxation website had a glitch in their online form. Instead of giving taxpayers the chance to donate part of their refund to the political party of their choice, it kept changing everybody's donation to Democratic party. Some who are cynical might say that it was done intentionally as there is much rumored and verified corruption in the state leaning towards the Democrats side. The state Republican chair was quoted as saying, "I can handle defeat. It's when they move the goalposts I have a problem."

I lived in an environment where the rules were constantly changing. I know that feeling.

I also know that it's strange the lessons my stupid foot can offer.

ouch!

2006-02-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

I thought to myself, "hey, it's been a month since you injured your foot, time to get rid of the splint and start wearing shoes again. Besides, you need to get back into your orthotics because your back's starting to hurt."

However, my foot had other ideas. My foot apparently is still swollen and I couldn't keep my shoe tied. I found myself having to take it off at work for relief. BIG mistake!

So many times I try to put myself back where I was comfortable or where things fit just so, even though I've somehow changed and it just no longer fits.

When I'd go visit my parents after living on my own for so long, it was awkward at times and certain things no longer fit.

But when it comes to my foot, I hope it's just a matter of time before I can get back into my shoes again and be comfortable.

oh my stomach

2006-01-31T20:20:00.000-07:00

Apparently there's a stomach virus going around. Wanna know how I know this? I seem to have it. Someone at work last week said they were having stomach problems. Now it's my turn. What stinks is that I was dressed this morning, putting on my socks and shoes (first time since 1/1 that I was going to be able to wear real shoes and see how it went), when it hit again and there was no way I was going in to work until I could get my body under control. However, I must go to work tomorrow, so I rested up as much as I could today. It's too bad that I was physically not well instead of mentally not well, because when I'm too depressed, I can still usually read or cross stitch or do something crafty. Today I just couldn't concentrate on any of it. Oh well, another reminder to be kind to myself and take care of myself.

Why I won't be going to the Olympics

2006-01-30T21:51:00.000-07:00

I've always loved to watch the figure skating, ever since I was glued to the TV watching Peggy Fleming in 1968. In my dreams I would have been there with them. However there are a few reasons why it won't happen.

I have probably been on ice skates about 5 times in my life. I'm so afraid of falling that the few times I was on skates, I was hugging the sideboards. I finally was able to do a simple two footed turn that nobody in their right mind would be doing. When I did go skating, the little girls in the center of the ice doing their cool moves that were actually figure skating moves made me feel even more like a loser when it came to my skating career.

I never quite mastered balance or having enough strength in my ankles. I didn't have the motivation and if I had, I doubt my parents would have sacrificed their lives to feed my hobby.

I still love to watch it. I have to say that one of the reasons I like the "Skating with Celebrities" show (and Dancing with the Stars, but that's already been discussed) is because those celebrities are living my dream, so for an hour a week I can live vicariously through them.

Miami Ink

2006-01-29T21:49:00.000-07:00

It's interesting. I would never get a tattoo, I don't want them, I don't particularly like them, I don't get why real people get them. However, I really enjoy this show and even enjoy and admire the artwork. I don't get it. I guess if I see it on TV it isn't real??

Here's an interesting tidbit. My dad was in the Navy for years, and from what he admitted to was quite the party animal. However, the minute someone mentioned getting a "tattoo", he'd sober up. As a result, he never had a tattoo.

Maybe because Miami Ink goes into the stories behind the tattoos, as well as the process, it gives them more meaning and that's why I enjoy watching it. It's not just someone marking up their body, but someone's marking it up for a reason. I remember an episode where Daddy got a tattoo of his daughter beating up on a cancer tumor to celebrate her victory over cancer. It was a celebration for them and more than just a random scribble. While I wouldn't do that, I still thought it was neat for them.

I also think that one of the reasons I enjoy watching it is because I've always loved to learn how things were done. Watching a TV show being made has never spoiled the magic for me. Learning how special effects are created hasn't ruined the impression they leave on me when watching the movie.

A million little....

2006-01-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

I will first say I have not read the book. I cannot comment to content. However, the fact that someone tried to sell this book unsuccessfully at first, tweaked it a bit, then sold it is interesting.

Either this author had a lot of nerve thinking he could fool a bunch of people, or he couldn't say no and pull the plug before damage to his credibility was done.

I wonder if the author thought nothing of "embellishing" the story, advertising it as a memoir, thinking it would roll over, he'd get published, end of story. I wonder if once Oprah got wind of the book the author ever thought about coming clean BEFORE all the attention was given to the book. He could have told Oprah or her people that he would prefer not to be part of her book club. He wouldn't have even had to say why, just that he didn't want it.

By the time someone checked his facts and outed his lies, it was too late. He was so enmeshed that even if he wanted to come clean, his integrity and credibilty were shot. One thing a lot of people learned this week is that you do not cross Oprah.

Now here's a question to think about. I actually heard this being discussed on Glenn Beck's show Friday night and think it's a great point. If the messenger is flawed or dishonest in how he presents his message, does that invalidate the message?

come dancing

2006-01-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

I must first say that as cute as I think Ashly is, she had a rough go with her partner and I think it's best that P is gone. Now it will be dancers who really want to be there. (Dancing with the Stars)

I have to say that I must come by my love of ballroom dancing naturally. You see, my parents met in a ballroom, and my dad taught ballroom dance for a while.

When I was very young, my dad would "dance" with me by holding me in a dance position. Of course my feet didn't touch the ground (literally). When I was too big for that type of dance, he'd let me put my stocking feet on his shoes to "dance."

When I was 10 and at my very first Daddy Daughter date, I was a little miffed because while Dad was trying to teach me a basic box step, he ended up giving a lesson because the other girls wanted to dance like that.

There were times as a teen that I'd be at a church dance, and to save face, I'd make my dad come in and dance with me before I left so that I could say I actually danced. He'd always say "I can't do that stuff you kids do." I'd tell him I didn't care.

When I was in college, I took ballroom dancing. I enjoyed feeling elegant. Even though I didn't dance much outside of class because I usually didn't have a partner, there was this one guy that I really liked. He was on the ballroom dance team. My roommates asked him to a dance for me and we stayed friends. He taught me some of the stuff the team would do. Fortunately I was a quick study, plus it was more about the fun. From that point on, if he saw me, we'd usually end up sharing a dance. That was my last year of college.

I came back home to no dance partner, no chance to practice the fun things I learned in ballroom class. Once again, Daddy to the rescue. However, by now he KNEW what I could do and so when there was a dance, I'd get to dance with my father. Mom would watch. I know she was envious because her body had failed her by now, but she'd watch us having fun and smile, but I know there were times she wished it was her.

Every time I hear or think of that Luther VanDross song "Dance with my Father," the memories come flooding. It took quite a while to be able to hear that song without crying.

Maybe between their heavenly duties, my parents are now and then able to sneak in a quick dance or two.

Who cares about apathy?

2006-01-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm a Toastmaster. According to their calendar, it's mid year. I'm feeling the mid year blahs. So are a lot of others apparently. I wish I could personally snap everybody out of it, remind them what brought them to the club in the first place and get them to finish what they started. I know that I can only control how I feel about it, but I would really like for others to be less apathetic and more passionate.

I mentioned about my supervisor. I'm really conflicted about it. If the rumors are true, it's probably better that he and the company parted ways. However, I don't like my world changing on me. I really don't. It's not that I can change but nobody else can, but more that when my world is changing, or I am changing, I tend to hang on tightly to those things around me that are comfortable, such as my surroundings, the people I associate with, stuff like that.

I love Dancing with the Stars. I like to see those who try be rewarded for their efforts. Master P, if you're not voted out this week, please bow out so that someone who WANTS to be there can do so. Get those crazies who keep voting for you to stop! It's Painful to watch. (is that what the P stands for??)

I am back

2006-01-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

well, at least I feel like I'm back. I actually feel like myself again today. I don't care if it was the meds finally kicking in, the good cry I had Sunday night or the planets aligned correctly. It's nice to feel human again!

I will say that I am bummed about one thing. My supervisor at work got fired and escorted out yesterday. There are a lot of rumors going around about why and if they're true, there's a lot more to the story than what I saw yesterday. Sad. I don't like change and I don't like moving desks. I will deal. I always do. However, I don't have to like it.

burden lifted

2006-01-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, do I feel so much better than I've felt in quite a while!

I knew that I had to go through the emotions and I knew that it would be hard. However, that good cry that I had Sunday night helped me get rid of a lot of "stuff".

I can't describe the difference in how I feel today.

There is some weirdness going on at work, but it's not me and it's out of my control, so I will have to wait and find out tomorrow what's going on. (too many rumors making it seem really crazy)

the day after

2006-01-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

The Old Testament proverb says "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning." I can't exactly say that I'm at joy yet, but I sure don't feel like I did earlier.

I woke up with an emotional hangover. That's the result of releasing a lot of emotion in a drastic way, such as a huge crying jag. If you've ever experienced a hangover from drinking, the feelings are rather similar. As a result, I've been taking it easy today and have seem to found parts of me that have been missing for a while.

Not only are the changes to my meds starting to work, but I've begun the road to healing.

I remember in my youth that I was not allowed to express "bad" or "negative" emotions. If I was upset, it had to be resolved now, even if I wasn't ready. As a result, some family arguments would last up to 4 hours. After all, we had to "fix" whatever was "wrong". (I used to say that the only way the argument would finally end was when I would say how I was wrong and say it with the proper attitude) Those were my first experiences with emotional hangovers. They're still ugly and the only good thing about them is all that crud you got rid of to get them.

Tomorrow is another day, and let's hear it for tomorrow being a better day!

The dam finally burst!

2006-01-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

I've been saying for quite a while that I really needed to cry and couldn't. I do wonder if that's part of what's been causing my depression to act up worse than before.

The last time I cried like this, a friend was helping me pack up the house and accidentally threw out some wood toys that my dad had made and that I had planned on keeping (the piles got mixed up). That was 2 years after daddy died and that was what finally cause me to have my good cry that I needed so badly. (I was able to retrieve the toys)

So tonight I'm watching TV and doing some cross stitch when I get tired of catching up on my DVR and start flipping channels. I flipped to TLC and they were showing a documentary of a 600+ lb. woman who was trying to get help for her illness. I knew right away that I should flip the channel, that it was a bit too familiar, etc. However, something stopped me. I sat and watched this woman talk and describe how she lived and the different things she had to do to merely survive and it was so familiar. She lived in a bed, my mom lived in a recliner until she couldn't live in her house anymore and became totally bedridden. She had a home health aid, my mom had to have one too. Her face looked a lot like my mom's. Her body was quite similar and just everything about it, including her limited mobility could have been my mom's story. What got me the most was how this woman struggled to get into a car that was too high and too small for her. I remember having to pray in the middle of the parking lot that mom could get out of her wheelchair and back into the car so that we could get home after a trip out. This woman and her home health aid were praying at the wheelchair that they could get her into the car so that she could have surgery that would hopefully make it easier for her to live her life.

Jackie, the woman's name at least was trying. My mom never really did try to improve her situation. Mom just tried to pull everybody in her life closer and demand more of them. Since I had to finally change the channel and stop watching Jackie's story, I don't know how it turned out. I know how my mom's story turned out.

Scientists have analyzed the content of sad tears and happy tears. Happy tears are mostly water. Sad tears have chemicals in them. Besides the poisons that my body was finally able to rid itself of with this cry tonight, I hope I've released whatever was keeping me from healing and moving on past the death of my mother and the other family members who preceded her.

Thank you TLC for showing this program, even though I didn't watch very much of it.

This is dedicated to...

2006-01-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

I've got some friends who are authors. I went to Marianne's book signing back in November. I bought a book and asked her to sign it for me. I told her to make it out to "eBay winner." We all had a good laugh.

I bought a book from another friend today and he offered to sign it. Not knowing my little joke, I said "Sure, just make it out to 'eBay winner.'" I caught him off guard, but fortunately he knew I was kidding before I actually had something made out to "eBay winner."

It was good to have a nice laugh like that. It's been a while.

I had a super long day with a lot of people. It was hard towards the end as I was getting tired and a little (okay, a lot) cranky and trying to keep everything together. It's okay because I needed to get back into being a semi-social person instead of the recluse I've become since my depression got worse.

I was talking to my doctor the other day and mentioned that this is really the first time in my life that I could be depressed without worrying about having to keep it together artificially because someone else's needs had to come first. I wonder if that's why this one seems so much worse than I remember the other episodes being. Perhaps it's not that it's worse, but I'm feeling it more.

This one's different because I'm not angry at myself for being depressed or for being flawed. I'm still trying to be loving and gentle with myself and accept that some of this is hard wired in me. I'm trying to be patient in realizing that our efforts to treat this aren't going to show immediate results, but eventually I will feel better.

The empty

2006-01-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

There's usually some sort of lull in January. I've noticed it and others have too. I think it has to do with the fact that in December everything's decorated. In January we take everything down and replace it with.....nothing. Suddenly walls that looked fine before December look STARK naked, and that corner that the tree was in? A big corner of nothing.

I really think our eyes and our mind notices things like that and reacts to them.

Odd

2006-01-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

It's funny how people respond to each other. I may think someone is unclear with their expectations and others think that same person is wonderful to work with. As nice as I am, I know there are some folks out there who don't like me. I don't know why, but they are out there.

I know that not everybody has to like me. I don't have to like everybody. I just have to be civil and get along with them when I do have to be around them.

Skip

2006-01-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to skip tonight. I've been so down that what I've said isn't worth reading some nights.

I saw the doctor today and we will be making adjustments to my treatment. I hope this works. Unfortunately, tweaking brain chemistry is still an inexact science after all these years.

TV tonight

2006-01-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, American Idol starts tonight. It's an odd thing. People who think they're the greatest singers in the world go to try out for the show and find out that nobody in their life has told them they're tone deaf. As a result, they make the audition shows and people watch--sometimes cringing, sometimes laughing. So, is it better to destroy someone's dream before they make a fool of themselves, or should they still have the chance to try and see they don't have what it takes? Even sadder, some of them maintain their denial even when faced with the facts. Then we sit and watch and call it entertainment. Okay, I admit it. It's like a train wreck and better them than me so I will watch. I will feel for them a little. At least they had the courage to take a risk.

not much

2006-01-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

Ask what I did today. Not much. I didn't go to work. I didn't even change out of my pajamas. Nope, I didn't do much today.

Thankfully I see my doctor Wednesday and I hope that means I get some answers as to why I'm responding the opposite way to my treatment.

day of rest

2006-01-15T21:23:00.000-07:00

I know that the Sabbath should be a day of rest and it many ways it is. After all, taking a break from the weekly grind and troubles is always a good thing, whether or not you're busy doing other things or just chilling out. Unfortunately, there are some things that you cannot "take a break" from. Chronic illness, such as depression, is one. It would be wonderful to have an on and off switch where I could simply declare tomorrow my day of rest from depression symptoms. Rather, it's become part of my character. Not a label, but a feature. Thankfully it can be managed and I am working on that with the help of my doctor. In the meantime, it's something I learn to live with and work around or through as appropriate.

the ice

2006-01-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

It's the season for figure skating. I really enjoy watching the competitions.

With one exception. I dread any broadcast that ABC does for one reason and one reason alone: "DICK! Button your mouth and let the skating speak for itself!!" (pun intended)

This guy drives me nuts! I would love nothing more than to be able to mute just the incessant commentary because not only does he comment about the skating, but he has to tell everybody why he's right and how his opinion is the one that matters and what we should think about the performances. I don't care that you're a two time Olympic gold medalist, I've seen skating enough to know when someone's made a misstep or when someone was scored unfairly.

When I was younger, I really didn't care and I don't think he was as bad as he is now that he's gotten older. He barely gives anybody else a chance to speak and won't shut up and let us watch it. In fact, back in the day, ABC had a lock on all the skating programs. I didn't realize how painful it was until I saw how other sports broadcasters covered skating. Even others who talk during the skater's program know to shut up once in a while and let us watch.

In the next version of Tivo and DVR's, please come up with a way to mute out the commentary but not the music. Maybe then Dick Button will finally sound better.

Rage against the rage

2006-01-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

These last few days have been dreadful. Yesterday was the worst. Today had its moments that were better than others. I not only get tired of fighting for normalcy, but I get tired of dealing with rages that hit me when I'm down. They remind me of my reaction to a certain food dye allergy, but since I'm not eating anything with that color in it, there is another source.

I went to walmart and bought one of those bop bags. Man, they're not the same as they were when I was a kid. There's no cute face to punch.

However, I do hope that it will give me a chance to work off some of the anger that comes sometimes so that I don't take it out on innocent people or so that it doesn't come out in inappropriate ways.

On a slightly up note. I was doing some reading about a medication that I take (that my doctor's been adjusting the dose of) and it said that when changing doses it is possible for symptoms to worsen before improving. I hope that's all this is.

the fight

2006-01-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I have to fight to get through normal things, such as my workday or other life tasks.

Other times I am just so tired of fighting that I stop. I feel like life shouldn't always be a fight and even if it were, nobody can fight all the time.

Today was one of those days where I tried. I really tried to fight. I was scheduled to work an hour of overtime and I had to cancel it. I thought that if I just worked my regular hours I'd be able to do it.

That didn't work. I was home by 3:30. I just didn't have the presence to deal with it today.

The one thing I know for sure is that if today didn't work right, there's always tomorrow.

The hump day

2006-01-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

They say that Wednesday's the hump of the week, that it's a rough climb getting there and a fairly easy slide to the weekend. I'm not so sure.

I think that each week's got its own character and that you can't lump them all in the same category.

Some weeks Monday's good, other weeks every day's the pits.

A lot of it is what happens to you, but even more is how you respond to what happens.

wow! a first

2006-01-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

As great as I felt Monday night, when I woke Tuesday, it was gone.

I spaced my blog entry. That's my first miss since I started this.

another monday

2006-01-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to feel a little better emotionally. I worked a 10 hour shift today and it didn't feel like I was there forever. Fortunately, this (I think) is the last 10 hour Monday I have to do this year.

I did take more time for myself today than I usually need, but I think it may have evened out because I didn't get the extra break I usually get when scheduled for extra hours.

Best news of all? I was able to stop limping while walking later today. I've got the air cast off for the night. I've also been doing all the foot exercises that "they" tell you to do so that I can get the foot back ASAP. I'm not straining myself, just making sure that I move it so that it doesn't get used to being immobile.

weekend's end

2006-01-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

I have to say that my ankle is healing up nicely. It's not back yet and I'm not sure I can do a lot of walking without the air cast.

Which makes me greatly relieved that I don't normally do New Years Resolutions. This happened on January 1, so any hope of starting a walking program or exercise program of most kinds was blown out of the water when my cat started the kitchen fire.

I love being able to blame it on the cat!

Anyway, since I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions, the point I will start moving more will be when I can do so safely on my ankle without causing it further damage.

It's not a contest, so I get to decide when I can start and when I finish.

don't call me

2006-01-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

I worked for a few hours of overtime. It wasn't the worst thing I've done. For the most part, the calls were slow just how I like them. However, there were some weird calls from people that I just don't get.

Some folks feel the need to argue with whatever you say, good or bad. I don't know if it's because they're looking for a fight and are disappointed that I don't give it to them so they keep trying for one. Maybe it's because they're really not listening to begin with (which would explain why I have to repeat everything).

Some folks have rotten timing or aren't clear with their intentions. You think they're calling for one thing and they're calling about something else. Sometimes they ask you a question and when you answer the general question, they go in for the kill ("so why did you ..."). Others pick right before my break or lunch and suddenly decide it's time to go through every last one of their claims they've made in the past year, but they are sneaky about it. Just when you think the call's going to end, they say "okay, now about this one" and keep doing it.

Anyway, in general, I don't mind working phones because I do enjoy talking to people. However, when work's over, I rarely answer my phone. Thankfully I've got caller ID so I can decide who I want to talk to. I've also figured out that if there's a way to work through something online, I'd much rather do that. It's not that I don't like people, because I do. It's that phone work makes one weary.

Dancing with the Stars

2006-01-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

I hope that ABC doesn't kill this idea by saying if it's good once in a while it's even better all the time.

I think that it's perfect Summertime fare. However, I did enjoy watching it last night. When I was in college, I took a few ballroom dance classes. It was an easy way to get out the PE requirement and it was fun. Okay, it would have been more fun if the class was even men to women, but I still enjoyed it.

I think that the thought of being perceived as elegant attracts a lot of people.

Not only that, but ballroom dancing holds a special place in my heart because that's how my parents met.

home again

2006-01-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

I stayed home again today. I just couldn't bring myself to go in to work. I'm glad I don't have to fight it when I'm not up to being a part of the world. However I'm sure that as I start to feel better I'll feel more like fighting, but it will be less of a fight and more of a privilege.

I must go back to work tomorrow and I will. It's going to be a shorter day and then 3 hours on Saturday as part of that mandatory overtime we're all having to do.

I have to remember that I'm the only one who can take care of myself. Nobody else will do it for me.

Self-Care

2006-01-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

I've learned how important it is to take care of myself.

The one thing I forgot to mention yesterday as part of my reasons for a lame blog entry was that I really needed to elevate my ankle.

I think I misunderstood the nurse Monday who said that in order for elevation to work you need to elevate it above heart level. I thought she meant that if you can't elevate it high enough, don't bother.

Well, my ankle was the size of a football when I got home last night. oops!

I have spent much more time elevating my foot and it's doing a lot better now. This is really the worst sprain I've experienced and I've done a number on my ankles on more than one occasion.

One thing that a friend suggested was to babyproof my stove. I still need to find stove knob covers. I found doorknob covers, but I'm not sure those will work on the stove knobs.

As I'm better able to go out and about and not just to work and back, I will have some searching to do.

boy am I tired!

2006-01-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

I had to work a 10 hour day. I'm just not used to working a lot of extra hours and we've all been required to put in 5 hours this week, 2 of them were to be today.

I'm very tired and don't really feel like writing something substantive or inspirational.

I'll try again tomorrow.

what a day

2006-01-02T22:26:00.000-07:00

The saga of my ankle continues. I was scheduled to work all day today, but thanks to way too few calls, the place closed 3 hours early. This gave me time to go to urgent care to have my ankle looked at. As well as I tried, I wasn't able to do for my ankle what it needed and I figured it would be easier to have a pro wrap it since it's such a pain to try and wrap one's own foot. X-rays showed it was definitely a sprain--no break (yay!). I got a lovely air cast which is actually helping me walk a little easier. The only drawback is that the air cast is totally incompatible with shoes so I will be wearing slippers for a few days (well, they're slippers meant to wear outdoors).

I watched the Rose parade when I got home tonight. Okay, I will confess that I only watched the floats and skipped through the rest. So much work goes into those floats and I was sorry to see some of them succumb to the rain. However, they were still works of art.

The cool Rose parade story this year is that almost every previous year, mom would tape the KTLA broadcast of the parade and mail it to me. There aren't too many stations, even the big networks, that show all 2 hours and 15 minutes of the parade, especially outside of Southern California. As I was getting ready for work today, I flipped it to the Travel channel (I was taping HGTV because I knew I'd get the whole parade from them). How surprised was I to see that the Travel channel was carrying KTLA's broadcast!! Too bad I had to leave for work and too bad they kept cutting to commercial. However, the best news was that KTLA is selling DVD copies of the parade broadcast. That means I can watch it the way I'm used to seeing it and at my leisure and even though mom couldn't get me a copy of the parade this year, I had the ability to get it myself.

what a way to start a year

2006-01-01T20:32:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I was taking the day off from funeral plans, so no matter how this year began, it was bound to be better.

I tried to sleep in this morning to find a very bad smell in the house. When I got into the hall, lots of smoke and a clicking noise. Into the kitchen and there is a fire on my stove. My cat turned on the stove and it melted or blew up everything nearby. A bottle of salad dressing blew up all over the kitchen.

As I went to turn off the burner, my left leg flew out from under me, my right ankle sprained and I landed on my butt!

I've learned a few things today. My cat keeps doing strange things and I'm wondering if he's trying to kill me. Burnt vinegar smells as bad if not worse than burning plastic. I'm going to have to child/cat proof my stove. If I'd gone to church like I'd originally planned, I wouldn't have had a house to come back to. As soon as I can put more weight on my foot, I'm going to have to do some serious cleaning.

Happy New Year!

almost

2005-12-31T21:33:00.000-07:00

It's almost the end of the day, week, month and most importantly year.

Sometimes almost is a good thing because it shows progress.

Sometimes almost is not as good because I could have done better but fell short.

However, "I almost made it" is much better than "I almost tried."

The year in review

2005-12-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

It seems that just about everybody has some sort of take on the past year and whether it was a good or bad year.

There's the top 10 movies, bottom 10 movies, the top news stories, most intriguing, etc.

It does tend to make me a bit retrospective, however that's not always a good thing. I've got to find some different questions to wrap up my year. The "what have I done?" and "what did I still want to do?" just don't work for me because no matter how I try to spin it, I end up dwelling on what I don't have and what I feel like a failure for.

I've got to think about this some more. There has to be better questions to ask yourself at the end of the year.

PS--I received the following in e-mail from www.fearlessliving.org and Rhonda Britten. I guess I didn't realize that I had it sooner, because it sure answers a lot of the questions I addressed in this blog entry:

Christmas, 2005
Happiest of Fearless HolidaysAs I reflect on the past twelve months, I am so grateful for the courage each of you has displayed in facing your fears and embracing the wholeness of who you are. Together, as we learn to accept and love our humanity, we are literally changing the world. How wonderful it is to know that we are in this together.
I always say, "No one can be fearless alone" and it is particularly true during the holiday season. So I invite each of you to reach out, ask for help, say yes and say no, determine how this season could be filled with love and light for you and yours. And then do something about it. Brighten someone's day with a smile. Lighten someone's load by opening a door or two. Hug so much that you will finally feel filled up with enough love to spread throughout 2006.
As always, I urge each of you to stop, sit down and write 100 gratitude's and 100 acknowledgements for the past year. Together, let's enter 2006 as powerful, potent and impactful people because we know we make a difference in the world because we are enough exactly as we are. How glorious to know this to be true regardless of how we feel. I say let's believe it together.
You are enough.I am enough.We are enough.

The List

2005-12-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

Everybody has a list of things that they want to do in their lifetime. Having grown up in Southern California, I always wanted to help decorate a float for the Rose Parade. As many years as I lived there, the chance just wasn't there for me to do it.

I was in CA for Christmas in 1998. The local paper had a blurb about volunteers wanted to help with Downey's Rose float. It took me forever to find the place, but when I found it, I got there ready and excited. Because it wasn't close enough to New Year's to add the living flowers, they were doing seed work with the dried materials. I only stayed a couple hours, but long enough to say that I did it!

When I came back to my parents' house, I was head to toe in chile oil stains. The seed work I was doing was making bricks out of ground chile pods and the mortar out of white rice. Messy, but oh so fun!

Later that week, Dad and I drove over to the nursing home that Gma was in. I didn't know it at the time, but the warehouse where the float had been constructed was right around the corner. After visiting Gma, we drove over and saw the float already completed and on the flatbed ready for transport to Pasadena.

It was so much fun that year seeing a float that I got to help decorate in a parade that was always so much fun for me each new year's day.

Freak

2005-12-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

Twenty-five years ago, I realized that something was wrong with me. Twenty-one years ago, I was finally diagnosed. Back then it was still something that was kept as a dirty little secret by many. I tried and fought to remove the stigma of depression and yet didn't want to be so "out there" that people would start to stigmatize me.

It was if I were saying "there's nothing wrong with it" and then saying "not that I'd know."

I believed for years that I was the odd one, the freak of the family, even though I was doing something about it.

In the last few years, other extended family members have come forward and been more open about the fact that they too deal with depression on a regular basis and that they are being treated for it.

I really wish I'd known sooner. I might have felt like I had more support if I'd known that I wasn't the freak of the family, but actually quite normal in relation to other relatives.

On another thought, I had quite the interesting insight today. I was talking to a doctor who is helping me adjust my medication. I was mentioning that I needed to request some FMLA time so that if I had to miss work it would not count against me. I told her that I felt that my reasons for needing the leave I thought were silly, that it was a lame reason for needing leave, etc. But I realized that I wasn't diminishing the reason for the leave, I was actually diminishing myself. It was as if I was trying to convince myself that I didn't need to take care of myself and that my needs didn't matter because I didn't matter. When I finished that sentence and realized what a lie it was, I also realized the importance of being good to myself and recognizing that if I needed time I would have to make the arrangements to do so, because I did matter and my health matters.

About a year

2005-12-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

If you count the actual day of the week, it's already been a year since Mom died. If you count calendar days, it will be tomorrow.

I believe that taking this week off was one of the best things I could possibly do for myself. My eyes kept leaking periodically throughout the day. I couldn't get them to a cry if I tried. Just those silent tears. Other than picking up my new sunglasses and getting my new glasses adjusted some more, oh and a trip to walmart, I didn't do too much.

I did find some CUTE, kitschy lights in the half price holiday sale. They look like the old fashioned Christmas bulbs only about 3-4 sizes larger. I also found out they were putting their assembled gift packs on sale so I picked up some spa-type brushes and loofahs at half price.

Sure, I admit it was a distraction. It was much easier than remembering what I was doing a year ago. I seemed to be the only non-medical person there that could tell the changes in her breathing and her body as it was shutting down. I'd been telling her I loved her all week and that it was okay to do what she needed to do, that she'd be much happier seeing Dad and others who had preceded her. I had to make some serious medical decisions, such as stopping her feeding and breathing treatments. I knew she was leaving and they would only add minutes to her life at that point.

Apparently this was something she had to do alone, because I was wisely convinced by a friend to go to my motel room and get some rest about 12:30am and she was gone a couple of hours after that.

Unfortunately, when she died, the dreams died with her. The dream of having a more normal mother/daughter relationship, the dream of her telling me that she was proud of me and that she felt I was capable after all, the dream of her giving up her controlling and manipulative ways. All gone when her spirit left her body. Well, not totally gone, but definitely postponed for about 30-40 years.

Troublemaker

2005-12-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you what my cat did overnight. He's got this walking habit and doesn't care what (or who) he walks on. I had been watching my dvd of amazing race 7. Anyway, my bedroom tv is a tv/dvd combo and the remote was on the bed near my head. About 4 or so this morning, I start hearing amazing race on the tv. I knew I'd put the tv on style last night cuz I was watching Isaac Mizrahi's show. Checked to see if it had been changed to GSN. It wasn't. Now I'm just awake enough to have to go to the bathroom and can't figure out how to make the race stop until I'm more awake to watch some more, still unsure if it's the DVD or if I'm watching it on GSN. Apparently the little 'tard stepped on the buttons enough to restart the dvd. I finally got it fixed and put the tv back on where I had left it and went back to sleep until the cat woke me up again closer to my normal wake up time. He still won't let me sleep in.

I got new glasses today. Will have to pick up the new sunglasses tomorrow because the tech was having problems with the dye for the lenses.

I'm happy to be off all this week. I decided that since I didn't know how I would handle the anniversary of my mother's death in a couple days that I would just stay home. Also decided to take the week off which is great because there are more things I need to do than get new glasses.

Hard Holiday

2005-12-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was tough for me. A lot of feelings came up, mostly thinking about what I was doing a year ago. Last year I was spending the majority of my days in the hospital being with my mother as she lay dying. I can't tell you how thankful I am that I didn't go to California for Christmas this year. I think that might have been too painful.

However, there is something rather cool about the cemetery that my family is in. It's Rose Hills and it's huge. One would think nothing of saying, "I'm going to go down to Rose Hills and check out the decorations." It is amazing how some of the graves are decorated for the holidays. One that is not too far from my family's graves has Christmas dioramas encased in plexiglas. You look all around and there is a sea of red from all the poinsettias. Some families come and put up Christmas trees, or outline the graves with tinsel garland. It is actually neat to go look and see how some include their deceased loved ones in their holiday celebrations. For some of you, it may seem really strange, but it is something you have to see to appreciate.

Today I distracted myself by working on needlepoint and watching the DVD of Amazing Race 7. I'm way behind on my DVD watching, but I really enjoy those races, so I thought I'd watch that today because it's not overly serious. What's cool about the DVDs is that you can watch some of the episodes with commentary. I may do that at a different time, but the chit chat was too distracting when I tried it. They superimpose it over the show. There is also an option that you can select that shows extra footage. It's cool. They put a little pedestrian sign up and you hit the enter button on your remote when it shows up to get there--then when it's done it resumes where you left off.

I think that the distractions helped keep me from having another hard day.

One more thing I have to comment on. There was an article in the paper earlier this week that talked about how many of the churches were going to be closed today because Christmas should be with family. First, aren't we all the family of Christ? Second, they are finding celebrating the birth of our Savior too distracting to worship him on that day? I just think that it's a bit odd and could be construed as hypocritical.

Okay, I will confess that I didn't go to church today, but it was more because it has been really hard for me to go to Christmas services since my dad died. Someday I will overcome that, but this was not going to be that year and I knew that already so I don't feel guilty about it.

who knew?

2005-12-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Who knew that such simple ingredients as sand, candles and paper bags could make something so beautiful as a luminaria display? I'm amazed every time I see them at their simple beauty.

In honor of Albuquerque's tricentennial, they wanted to have the city show at least 3 million lights. They wanted it to be a Guinness record. They thought it would be. However, Guinness didn't know what a luminaria was, decided it couldn't count, oh yeah and there is no record for what Albuquerque wanted to do and they don't plan to create one.

Oh well. It's not the first great plan gone awry.

When I grew up in Southern California, part of the agreement to build the Music Center in Los Angeles was to give to the community. The way that they did this was they held a HUGE Christmas music concert on Christmas Eve. This was started some time in the mid 1960's, not long after they built the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. The concert lasted about 12 hours, had community, church and school choirs participating from all over the county, and admission and parking were totally free.

We first started going because Mom was in a choir that sang there. After that, it became a tradition whether or not someone was involved. When I was in high school, we got to go sing there one year as well. When we couldn't make it, there was always radio or TV simulcast.

Since I've left home, I found out that they've reduced the concert to about 6 hours and they aren't nearly as inclusive in who they allow perform as they used to be. I was very bummed the last time I was home and tried to slip in for an hour or two. I got there way before 3 and had to be home by the time they were actually going to start because we had family coming over.

I guess this is proof that things WERE bigger when I was younger. However, simple things like the luminarias can be good too.